This Title Has Nothing To Do With This Story
by Bella Marie Whitlock
Summary: If you like a sarcastic, witty Bella on a quest for love, you just might have come to the right place! If you hate to laugh, you should leave now! Rated M for many reasons!
1. Four Score and Seven Years Ago

**AN: Okay, so you might ask, why am I writing a story with such a bizarre title?**

 **The short answer is, why the heck not?**

 **The longer answer involves a criticism I received on another story ages ago about how my title and story didn't match. So my hope with this one is to prove that you can still have an enjoyable story without a perfectly matched title. ;-***

 **And so, I bring you...**

 **...This Title Has Nothing to Do With This Story**

* * *

 **Chapter One: Four Score and Seven Years Ago...A Boy Became a Vampire**

Greetings reader! My name is Bella Swan. Technically that isn't my _full_ name. Because I have a tendency to glare and grit my teeth at those who use my full name. So we will be using the moniker of Bella Swan for the duration of this story. Unless I end up getting married during the course of this story, in which case it will probably change. Though, I don't foresee that as being entirely too likely since I haven't even found my mate yet. But then again...I don't foresee _anything_ , because, well...I'm just not Alice.

Okay, so that brings us to the question of "who am I?" which I will attempt to shed some light on here. I was born to parents, Charles Swan and Renee Higginbotham. My dad, who prefers to go by Charlie, is the responsible, stable, reliable half of the equation. I tend to take after him in a lot of ways. But he isn't the one who raised me. I grew up in a faraway, mystical land called Phoenix, Arizona.

If you didn't know anything about Phoenix then to look at me, you might think it was a cold and dreary place where people never see the sun. But no, I'm pretty sure I'm just part albino because Phoenix is the exact opposite of that. Blue sky and sunshine, pretty much all the time. People actually go there in the winter just to get away from the less desirable weather of wherever they normally live. We call those people Snowbirds, though there is generally nothing very birdlike about them.

Anyway, I digress. I am writing this chapter in my head at the moment because I don't presently have a pen. Who has a pen? We live in an electronic age. Can you really fault me for not having a pen? I mean, especially because, at the moment, I am currently engulfed in flames that are threatening to devour my very being. Which is why I am writing this. To take my mind off of the soul-crushing pain that I am currently in. And believe me, you haven't felt pain like the agony that comes with transforming into a vampire.

Women say that labor is awful, and it probably most certainly is. Men claim the worst pain _for them_ is passing a large kidney stone. Also probably very excruciating, yes. However these men and women have not lived through the fires of hell, so I really think this probably trumps those experiences. But hey, it's not like I've ever given birth _or_ passed a kidney stone, so I personally wouldn't know.

What I _do_ know, is this: It. Fucking. Hurts. And yes, I said a curse word, oops. I am a teenage girl. You show me a teenage girl who doesn't use any curse words and I will tell you, without a shadow of a doubt, that she is currently _not_ engulfed in the flames of transformation unto vampirism!

But maybe a little Pat Benatar will help here? I dunno, let's try it. I mean, I generally find Pat Benatar helps in most situations, so here goes!

 _Your love has set my soul on fire, burnin' out of control._

 _You taught me the ways of desire, now it's takin' its toll._

Hmm, yeah okay maybe that was a poor song choice for this particular instance. I mean, it isn't really _Edward's_ fault that I'm going through hell right now, is it? In fact, I distinctly remember him threatening to attempt to suck the venom out of my arm in a desperate, last-ditch effort to keep me human and innocent because he fears for my soul. Thankfully, it didn't work. The venom had already spread to my major arteries, and thus begins my journey into immortality.

Speaking of immortality, it's almost time. I can feel my heart racing, threatening to leap out of my chest. And once it's beating finally seems unable to thud any faster…

...it abruptly stops.

Well shit. I'm dead.

I open my eyes. Wait... _what_? Dead people generally don't go around opening their eyes. _Think, Bella, what's going on here?_

Oh yeah! I'm technically only _partially_ dead. Or rather, I guess I'm _un_ dead maybe? I dunno, I'm a little foggy on the specifics. But what I _do_ know, is that I, Bella Swan, am now a vampire! That's correct folks, you heard it here first. I am officially a certified, bona fide, card-carrying (I mean, do they give out cards for this type of thing?) member of the vampire race.

I sit bolt upright and find myself in a bedroom. _Odd, I thought we were in a ballet studio_. _Oh well, I will analyze that later._ I look around. There are several people staring at me, but none are the person I expected to see. _Oh, where, oh where can he be?_ Wait, isn't that a song about a dog?

Jasper must be feeling my confusion. Because very cautiously, and like seriously, I mean _soooo_ carefully, the way you would approach...a skunk, or, well maybe you wouldn't want to approach a skunk. So how about a porcupine? Nah, probably not a good idea there either. Let's just say he is acting like I am an unpredictable source of concern, okay? But he _does_ approach me, slowly and says: "Edward was afraid to be here when you woke up. He thinks you're gonna hate him now since he couldn't save you. His words, not mine."

 _That pansy-ass pussy! That weak little wiener of a man! I just went through three days of hell for him, to be with him for all eternity and he isn't even capable of being present to welcome me into my new life? What kind of bullshit is this?_

Hmm, maybe Heartbreaker _was_ the right song choice. As a side note, teenage girls also tend to curse when having their emotions stomped on by teenage boys. Which is, for all intents and purposes, what Edward is. A teenage boy. A stupid, stupid, stupid, (yes, that required three stupids) teenage boy. Oh well, his loss, not mine.

"Okay, well, I'm probably gonna have to leave the family for a while then," I tell them, which causes a round of shocked looks from everyone present.

"Why, Sissy?" Emmett pouts, looking like a petulant little boy whose favorite toy is being taken away from him.

"For several reasons. The first being, if I stay, I'm probably going to kill Edward for being a penis. And I don't think any of you want me to do that," I state boldly.

Surprisingly, other than Carlisle and Esme, and maybe Alice, the rest of the family looks like they are contemplating it. Wow, good to know old Eddy Boy sure is loved around here. Moving on.

"The second reason being, obviously Edward is _not_ my mate. I really doubt, given how protective vampires are of their mates, that he could have left during my change if he was. And if _he_ isn't my mate, then that means, my mate could be out there, somewhere. Which I, unfortunately, _won't_ find out, sitting around here," I surmise.

"Darlin' I hate to point out the obvious, but if yer quest is to find yer mate, maybe you oughta start by lookin' around here. Since Edward ain't the _only_ vampire in this family," Jasper advises.

 _Okay, am I the only one confused by this statement here, or what?_

"Uhh, Jasper...unless there are some other male vampires hanging out in the attic, or the basement, whom I have yet to meet, I'm pretty sure every male vampire here, besides Edward is mated, right?" I ask quizzically.

"Not correct, Bella, actually," Carlisle states, to my shock. "It is essential to our cover story and to the local humans' well-being, that we appear to be mated pairs, for several reasons. Firstly, Esme and I needed to be married in order to believably adopt. Also, it helps keep the single nurses at bay, for me to have a wife. Not to mention, a vampire gets lonely over the years and companionship, even without the permanence of a mating bond, is essential to remain entirely sane," he explains for his part.

"Yeah and Rosie and I started out as a type of therapy for her. She had serious trust issues with men due to her human life. But when I came along, the big, loveable teddy bear who wouldn't hurt a fly, it didn't take her long to realize I'd make a good practice mate. Until we both manage to find our forever mates. Plus if Rose had to go to public school single and get hit on by all the pervy teenage boys, I think there'd be an epic massacre eventually." Emmett laughs.

"An' as far as Alice and I are concerned, we're essentially just friends. Best friends. We don't even have sex, 'cause it's important to her to keep that part of her life for her mate when she finds him. I do use my gift to get her off sometimes, just fer funzies, but that's pretty much it. Other than that, most of my testosterone gets spent on our Denali cousins who happen to be unmated succubi sisters." He shrugs.

"So, what you're saying is...you're _all_ technically single?" I confirm, wanting to make sure I have this all correct. I mean, it would be terribly uncool to think I have access to a veritable buffet of man meat, only to get my head slammed off a few walls by an angry female later on.

"Yes, Dear. That is what they are saying." Esme smiles sincerely. "So please, by all means, stay and get to know the family, separate from Edward's influence. We really love our son, but we're also aware that he can be quite a cock at times."

I nearly guffaw. _Esme, sweet, sweet Esme, just said cock!_

"Okay then, I will," I agree, nodding for emphasis. "Now, who wants the first crack at teaching me to hunt?"

There is a bit of a scramble, as they all remember that as a newborn vampire, I will need to feed in short order. And it is quickly decided that Carlisle should take me because he has been hunting for animals longer than anyone else has so he would be the most experienced teacher. Not to mention, Carlisle Cullen is a yummy dish of vampire/doctor sexiness and I really wouldn't mind letting him taste my temperature if you catch my drift.

And _they_ obviously catch my drift, by the looks I am giving him, because as we head for the woods, Esme pulls me aside and whispers: "Just so you know, Sweetie, he really likes the lotus position, so that he can look into your eyes. Okay?"

Wow. Did my new 'mom' just give me advice for having sex with my new 'dad'? Can't decide if that's kinky or creepy. I guess I'll decide after our hunt. "Okay, thanks, Esme." I smile. Even if it is weird, I know she genuinely means to be helpful, so I really can't fault her.

That's right about when Carlisle takes me by the hand and leads me into the woods. And I have a hunch we're not on our way to grandmother's house. Although I can't help feeling a bit like red riding hood anyway.

* * *

 **AN: Shout out to my BFF, IWriteNaked who beta'd this chapter!**


	2. Son of a Preacher Man

**Chapter Two: Son of a Preacher Man**

As Carlisle and I run through the woods, three things are certain. One is that I am going to love being a vampire. The sights, the sounds, the smells, the speed, the strength, it's all so exhilarating, I could almost write a song about it. What am I saying? I can't write songs! That just isn't my forte. I guess I'll just have to leave those sorts of things to the people who excel at them. In the meantime, I will shamelessly ogle the sexy vampire doctor who is taking me on an adventure to find some prey.

Oooh! Speaking of prey...I get a whiff of something succulent that reminds me of when my dad used to take me hunting as a kid sometimes. The deer that he would kill and prepare as venison, smelled and tasted _exactly_ like that. And so, I charge!

Carlisle begins to say that it pays to observe one's pray _before_ attempting the attack, rather than trying to sloppily conquer it by leaping from a tree on top of the poor thing and breaking its back, while landing on my face in the dirt...which I am currently in the process of.

 _OUCH!_

It would seem that landing on your face in the dirt, from the top of a tree, hurts whether you are a vampire or a human. Who'da thunk it? But I latch onto the neck of my very dead, very smushed prey and drink its life force anyway. Because that is what I do now. I am a vampire. Hear me roar! Bambi is my juice box. Yay!

Personally, I am fairly certain that I would rather have a slightly different, more chatty type of juice box, such as, oh I dunno, a human, maybe. But I am going to refrain from that. At least until I find out who my mate is and what his preferred diet of choice is. It takes a few moments for golden eyes to turn red if he turns out to be a human drinker. But it takes a long time for red eyes to turn golden if he turns out to be a veggie vamp.

Speaking of veggie vamps, I happen to have one currently staring at me, seductively, having just finished his own Bambi juice box nearby. It sets off all kinds of bells ringing in my head.

Like, _wheeeoooooooo wheeeooo Earth to Bella! Come in, Bella. Sexy vampire alert! Sexy vampire alert! Danger, danger! Seduction in progress!_

Aaaaaand now he is stalking toward me like _I_ am his prey. Huh, okay, I guess this is really happening. He closes the gap quickly, pulling me into his lap and removing all vestiges of my clothing.

And while it surprises the fuck out of me, I am also a horny newborn vampire, so I'm not exactly about to say no. Instead, I return the favor by ripping his clothing off of him as well, until we are both buck naked, staring into each other's eyes.

I hope to see something in those eyes that I can cling to. Something that screams 'Hey, Bella Swan! This right here? This one, he's ya soul mate!'. Because come on, how cool would it be to have Dr. Carlisle Cullen as a mate? He's well respected, both as a doctor _and_ as a member of the vampire community. He's even a friend of the kings from what I hear. Plus did I mention the sexiness? Because if not...mmmn mmn mmmn mmn mmmn!

Right, less long term life contemplation, more sating immediate horniness here, Bella. Chances like these, come once in a lifetime. So, I climb into his lap and slide swiftly down onto his shaft, lotus style. _Oh,_ _holy Hannah!_ (Okay, how holy _is_ Hannah, I mean really?) _I am having sex with Carlisle Freaking Cullen!_ And it's _good_ sex too. _Great_ sex, actually. Not that I have any sex to compare it to, having been a virgin prior to oh hmm, say, about two minutes ago. But I can tell it's good since I definitely do masturbate a lot. With a dildo. Because who really wants carpal tunnel syndrome? Not me! So if having sex with hot vampires is an option, then hell, I am gonna take it! My poor vibrator will thank me for saving its batteries.

It doesn't take long for Dr. Sex Daddy to get me off and he follows after me in short order, both of us collapsing in a satisfied heap as we gaze up at the overcast Washington sky.

"Carlisle, will I still be a part of this family even if my mate turns out not to be?" I ask hopefully.

"Of course, Bella. This family is a hodgepodge of all sorts. And the moment we welcomed you through the doors of our home, we considered you a part of it. That will not change, no matter who you end up mated to. I promise," he assures me, kissing the top of my forehead.

"I'm sorry it couldn't be you. You would've been perfect." I sigh, somewhat disappointed with myself for not feeling a deeper intimate connection to him like I sort of hoped to.

"Don't be sorry. I know I have a mate out there somewhere. And one day, I will find her. The same goes for you, young lady. I'm sure whoever your mate is, he will be as extraordinary as you are, Sweetie." He smiles. "But in the meantime, feel free to let me know if you ever need to work off any sexual frustration again. Because _that_ was amazing."

"Agreed. Totally agreed." I laugh.

* * *

When we arrive back at the house afterward, I am approached by all of the female vampires. "So, how was it? Esme asks leading the charge. "Out of ten?"

"I wouldn't know." I laugh. "It was my first time."

"Bella, Sweetheart, you should have told me that! I could have approached things differently," Carlisle worries, still holding my hand in his.

"Differently how?" I question. "It was perfect, Carlisle. I wouldn't have wanted it any other way."

"You're certain? I hope you aren't just saying that for my benefit, Bella. My pride can afford to take a few hits," he assures me.

I grin. "I bet it can. I'm sure you're used to hearing how amazing you are, Dr. Boy Toy. But trust me when I say I had no complaints."

He sighs in relief. "Oh good, then I am glad you chose to have your first time with me. It was an honor and a privilege."

I smirk. "You aren't receiving a Nobel prize here, Carlisle. Just my V-card." I shrug.

"I don't think you realize, Bella, yours is the _only_ V-card Carlisle has ever swiped. I was married once before as a human, so he didn't get mine, and other than that, he's only been with the succubi sisters. So you see, to him, it _is_ a big deal. He'll probably be following you around like a puppy dog for several weeks at _least_." Esme laughs.

And then we all hear the sound of a car coming towards the house. There are no other houses on this road, so it's no surprise when it turns down the driveway to come here.

"Uhh, did anyone order take-out?" I joke. "Because I'm not in the mood for a pizza delivery boy right now. Besides, they probably taste hella greasy."

"Is anyone expecting company?" Carlisle asks.

Alice searches her visions and with a look of shock on her face, turns to me and says, "umm, Bella. It's your mother!"

 _Well shiiit._ Just when I thought my introduction to immortality was going well!

* * *

 **AN: Shout out to my BFF, IWriteNaked who beta'd this chapter!**


	3. Welcome to Earth

**Chapter Three: Welcome To Earth, Third Rock From the Sun!**

Okay, so...when you define awkward, what do you think of?

One of those "I was SO embarrassed!" articles from a Cosmo magazine, maybe? Like the ones that start off with "I was hanging out at my new boyfriend's house, when I had to haul ass to the ladies." and then proceed to tell some story about how she bled on his couch, or flooded his toilet, or puked in his goldfish tank, or a multitude of other moments that make you shake your head wondering if a real girl somewhere was actually dumb enough to submit that shit to a magazine. And they always, inevitably end with "And boy was my face red!" or "It was so embarrassing, I thought I was going to die!"

Welp. I guess it's my turn now to write one of those. Again, I'll be writing in my head because I still don't have a pen! And I also don't think my newborn lack of manual dexterity could sufficiently grasp something as tiny and fragile as a pen anyways. I haven't even tried to dress myself yet, I mean seriously what do you people take me for, some kind of miracle girl?

Okay, so here it goes.

Dear Reader,

Today, the most awkward, embarrassing thing happened. I woke up as a new vampire and realized the guy I'd been dating _wasn't_ my mate. And that none of the family members I'd thought were mated, actually were. So I decided to kick _that guy_ to the curb and then proceeded to have rebound sex with his adopted dad. But surprisingly, _that_ wasn't the awkward part. And somehow, neither was the part right after that, where his wife, (my ex's mom) gave me a virtual pat on the back for giving her husband my V-Card.

No, the awkward, embarrassing, made-me-want-to-crawl-into-a-hole part, came a few moments later, when _my_ mother of all people and _her_ husband came to the door.

As the patriarch and matriarch of the family, my ex's parents opened the door to greet them. And the most surreal, bizarre, and unfortunate thing happened. It turned out _they_ were mates! As in, my ex's dad, the guy I had _just_ finished giving it up to, turned out to be _my mom's mate!_ And the woman who just high fived me for banging her husband turned out to be the mate of _my step-dad!_

Needless to say, I was so embarrassed, I thought I was going to die! Tee hee.

* * *

Congratulations! Today is your lucky day, folks! Because I have decided to spare you all the long, awkward, boring explanation my vampire family was about to give to my human family about all things vampiric. I'm fairly certain we've all heard that speech before.

So we can just pretend here that I blabbed on for a really long time about all of that stuff.

And then we get to skip ahead to the other, more juicy parts that come next!

* * *

"So does this mean I get to become a vampire?" My mother asks hopefully.

Carlisle has her sitting in his lap and is scenting her (which is basically done by licking the person all over, so that they smell like your venom).

"Yes, Darling." He nods. "Though, you may have as much time as you'd like to get your affairs in order first. And you won't have to get a divorce. Because when I turn you, we will be faking your death anyway. So you won't be legally married to Phil anymore."

"But if you fake mine and Bella's deaths, what on earth will that do to poor Charlie?" My mother worries, knowing how devastated my dad would be.

"Aww, Renée! It's sweet to know that you still care." My dad grins, coming in from the kitchen.

Wait one teensy widdle minute here! My dad. Charlie Swan. Just came out of the Cullen family kitchen. Eating a sandwich. Of _course,_ you'd think _that_ was the strange part. But if you think that then really you haven't been paying attention to this story at all so far. Because this is a story where hilarious and often awkward things happen.

So really the sandwich isn't the strange part at all. Neither is his presence in a house full of vampires (including one newborn) on the heels of my change. No, the strange part is the vampire he happens to be holding hands with. I recognize her as one adorable, lovable, energetic little pixie named Alice Cullen.

Mic drop.

"Uhh, Dad?" I question. "What's this? What's _this thing_ that you're doing?" I ask, gesturing to their interwoven hands.

"It is called holding hands, Bella. Surely you know what _that_ looks like." My mother giggles.

I glare at her. Really helpful _Renée._

"I know what it _is_ I just want to know what it _means_. As in...why my best friend and my father are holding hands…" I grumble.

Alice speaks up to explain. "I've known for a long time that Charlie was my mate, Bella. But you see...you came into the family in such an unusual way, what with Edward trying to eat you and then trying to date you, that I figured we were better off bringing in one human at a time. Especially when the first of said humans keeps nearly dying at every turn."

My mother guffaws. "She has a point, Bella, Sweetheart. You _are_ a little clumsy," she helpfully adds.

"Renée would you be so kind as to shut your pie hole? Even _I_ know that pissing off a newborn vampire is bad for your health," my dad chimes in.

"Dad!" I stare at him appalled. "I'm not going to eat Renée, no matter how much she annoys me. Especially now that she's Carlisle's mate. I'm fairly certain that wouldn't go over very well."

"Gee, thanks, Bella! You give a child the best years of your life, and then find out the only reason they won't eat you is because of whose mate you are!" She huffs.

"Mom...you do realize that's _not_ a thing that happens to other people, right?" I smirk, realizing how ridiculous all of this has been. And we haven't even addressed the whole issue of my having had sex with her mate shortly before their arrival. I wonder if Dr. Love plans on telling her that.

I try to catch his eye to see how I should proceed and what we are going to tell her, but as soon as I make eye contact with him, I realize that he hasn't even thought about it yet because he just says: "Shit!" and facepalms.

"What's the matter, Sweetheart?" Renée asks him, looking far more concerned over him than she usually does over me.

Thankfully, neither Carlisle or I have to be the one to give her this information, because good ol' Emmett decides to help us out.

"He's trying to figure out how to tell you that he just boned your daughter." Emmett grins.

Carlisle shakes his head and lets out a big breath he was holding in and looks like he's trying to decide if he should kill Em or kiss him. "As awkward as that fact makes things, he is telling the truth."

I decide to help him out. "It's my fault, Mom. I woke up as a horny newborn vampire and found out that Edward was not my mate and that all the Cullen men were unmated, in spite of what I had believed to the contrary, so I decided the easiest and most fun way of finding out who my mate is, would be to try them all out. Carlisle was just the beginning."

"Are you aware, Bella Dear, that statement makes you sound like a raging slut?" My mother sighs.

Surprisingly, it is Rosalie who growls and gets in her face, in spite of Carlisle's protective and threatening growl back at Rose. "Renée...if I hear one more derogatory comment about Bella's sexuality, or the sexuality of _any_ woman, for that matter leave your lips, ever again in my presence...I don't give a fuck whose mate you are, I will wait until you are turned and then I will rip your arms off, okay?"

Carlisle continues to growl as Rose heads back to her seat, but Rosalie just rolls her eyes. "Oh give it a rest, Carlisle. Just because she's your mate _does not_ give her an excuse to go setting women back twenty years! And need I remind you that before she showed up, you would have been the _first_ person to defend Bella?"

That seems to shake Carlisle out of his protective mate mode and back into protective coven leader mode. "She _is_ right about that part, Renée. If anyone else had spoken to Bella that way, I would have chastised them most definitely. And I don't think I would be doing you any sort of service as a mate to start going back on my principles now."

Renée sighs dramatically and looks at me. "I was speaking from jealousy, Bella, I am sorry. It just irritates me that you of all people got to be with him before me."

Wow. That's the most mature thing I think I've ever heard my mother say. Maybe Carlisle will be a good influence on her after all.

"Thanks, Mom. I accept your apology. I really wasn't that worried about it, considering _I_ _know_ I'm _not_ a raging slut. Until this afternoon, I'd never even had sex before," I explain.

She thinks about that for a minute and I can almost see the rusty hamster wheel turning in her head as she processes what that means. "Wait, so you…? That was your _first time_? _Carlisle_ was your first time?! I'm...going to go for a walk. By _myself_."

Well, great...now she's really, _really_ mad.

After she leaves, Charlie walks over to Carlisle and conspiratorially whispers to him, "since you probably aren't fluent in Renée Speak yet, I should give you a heads up that going for a walk by herself is code for, if you care about me, you will follow me and try to fix this."

"He's right." Both Phil and I say at the exact same time.

Carlisle grins, says: "Thank you, Charlie," and pats my dad on the back. "I don't suppose there's a handbook is there?"

"Called: Dealing With Renée Higginbotham For Beginners?" My dad confirms. "No, I never got around to writing one, did you, Phil?"

"Naw, but it was definitely on my To-Do List. We can give you a few pointers if you want though. Step one is to take the batteries out of your smoke detector because she likes trying to cook but all she ever does is burn things." Phil laughs.

Carlisle beams and oddly seems to find that quality endearing. "Well, I suppose I had better go after her. But I would love to hear more later."

Hopefully, he still finds her helplessness and disorganization endearing after ten or twenty years. But hey, she isn't my problem anymore, she's his.

As soon as he leaves Emmett starts laughing. "Your family's a hoot, Bella!"

I roll my eyes. "I think the phrase I would have used is a clusterfuck, Em, but okay sure, hoot works."

* * *

 **AN: So thanks to the recommendation of mi chiquita IWriteNaked, I downloaded Grammarly and it helped me with my terrible punctuation, etc.**


	4. Teddy Bear's Picnic

**Chapter Four: Teddy Bear's Picnic**

Greetings All! I, Bella Swan, have been spending the last several weeks trying to avoid the newly mated vampires of the house. But I've been around enough that I can definitely bring you up to speed on what's been happening.

Here's the recap:

First, Carlisle turned Renée.

Since my control is unusually good for a newborn, they didn't see any harm in doing it so soon after my change. And they were right. Apparently, and might I add, _surprisingly_ , it seems that my mother is whom I inherit my exceptional self-control from.

Who could have guessed, based on the disorganized mess she has always been, that my mother wouldn't even be slightly tempted to indulge in human blood? Like literally not even a _little bit_ tempted.

They even wanted to test it, so they opened an IV style bag of human blood and waved it in front of her nose and she actually took a whiff of it, smiled and said: "No thank you, I'd rather have a deer." So the powers that be definitely got it right in making her Carlisle's mate. She's sickeningly perfect for him.

After that, Esme turned Phil.

Who is apparently _not_ a hippy pacifist like my mother. The first thing _he_ did, was try to eat Charlie. Which did not go over so well with Alice who punched him in the nose. Which upset Esme so much that Alice decided to take Charlie back to his place until newborn Phil was better able to control himself.

Of course, none of that was why I myself had been staying away. Nope, what was driving _me_ crazy was the sex they were all having. And since I wasn't getting any from anywhere, I took off into the woods as often as I could to hunt and fell trees.

My mother, of course, gave me a lecture about how I shouldn't take my frustrations out on the trees but I chose to ignore her, lest I become tempted to take my frustrations out by ripping her limbs off instead. Which was frankly far more appealing than I cared to admit.

Okay, so now you're all caught up, oh goody!

So here we go, back to the present then!

(Insert your own time-travelling sounds here. Because I, for one, haven't the foggiest idea of what time travel sounds like.)

* * *

I am currently sitting in an outcropping of rocks that houses a perfectly delightful little waterfall. I am sitting here because I am trying to rinse the memories of my mother's sex noises out of my brain. Apparently even sitting in a waterfall isn't enough water to do that though.

I will admit that I find myself very surprised when I realize that I am not alone. I hiss at the intruder, only to see Emmett's face appear wearing a ridiculously adorable little pout. "Sissy don't be mad. I thought you might want some company," he says, extending his hand to pull my soggy, waterlogged self out of the waterfall.

"I'm not mad, Em. But you know you probably shouldn't sneak up on a newborn." I grumble.

"I didn't think I was, Baby Bells. I assumed you'd hear me coming. I didn't realize until I got really close that your head was in the actual waterfall and you couldn't hear anything." He shrugs. "Forgive me?"

"Of course." I nod.

"Good." He grins. "So, who's next?"

"Huh? What do you mean 'who's next'?" is my brilliant retort.

"Well, you're still looking for your mate, right? You ruled out Carlisle, so who's next?" He asks, seeming genuinely curious.

I have to laugh a little. It's pretty obvious at this point who he _hopes_ is next. "Why Emmett McCarty Cullen, did you come all the way out here to proposition me?" I ask, trying to sound way more upset about the idea than I actually am. Thankfully I'm still sitting in the waterfall, so he can't smell my arousal.

"Umm, not if it's gonna make you mad?" He backpedals worriedly.

I sigh dramatically. "If you came all the way out here, JUST TO GET LAID…" I yell, pulling my shirt off before he knows what is happening.

"Then I guess you've come to the right place." I grin, throwing my shirt in his face with a giggle.

"Hey! No fair, Bells! I thought you were furious with me!" Emmett grumbles, sounding a little like a disgruntled bear cub.

"I could never be furious with you, Em," I smirk. "You're too fucking adorable to be mad at." Side note, sometimes teenage girls also swear when they are excruciatingly horny. Oh, and by the way, I still don't have a pen. Maybe I could borrow one? Nevermind, I'll probably just drop it in the waterfall when Emmett tackles me. Which is about to happen next. At least, if the look in his eyes is any indicator. Here, watch, let's see what happens!

"I am, am I?" Emmett beams, stalking toward me. He leaps and lands in my lap with a thud. "Adorable enough for you to want to kiss me?"

I have to laugh that a big, giant, hunk of sex-on-legs like Emmett sounds even a little unsure of himself. "Trust me, Em, I've wanted to kiss you ever since I first found out you weren't mated," I admit.

"Thank fuck!" He exhales, obviously relieved. Teenage _boys_ tend to swear too. Especially when facing the possibility of rejection.

And so, I kiss him. It is a deep, searing kiss that leaves me wanting more. But even with the tremendous amount of passion it evokes, I can still tell that Emmett is not the one. Which sucks on one hand because I love Emmett and I think it would take very little for me to fall head over heels for him. But on the other hand, it means I still haven't found my mate yet, which means I get to keep searching and so far the searching has been pretty fun!

Emmett pulls back just enough to ask, "Anything?"

"Sadly, no. But I still want to do this," I assure him.

"Me too." He nods, probably thinking the same thing as me, that his mate is still out there, somewhere.

I kiss him again before either of us have a chance to get mopey about it. And just like that, the passion is back on full blast!

I push him into the little lagoon at the bottom of the waterfall and tear my clothes off before diving in after him. Well...it is a _shallow_ lagoon, so I guess _diving_ in isn't the right word. More like, landing on my head. Which _really_ hurts. "Ow, fuck!" I groan when I surface. Emmett, of course, is laughing hysterically at me. _Not sure how he thinks that will help him get laid but I guess I must've looked pretty funny!_

And yes, teenage girls apparently also swear when they crack their heads on the bottoms of lagoons. Which probably happens more often than you might think it would. Anyway, I digress.

"Are you okay?" Emmett asks through his laughter. I want to be mad at him for laughing at me, but Em is a big goofy teddy bear and I can't bring myself to yell at him. Because unlike Rosalie and the Tin Woodsman, _I have a heart_.

So, instead, I laugh with him. "Yeah, mostly." I nod, rubbing my head. "Although, I'll be just perfect if you kiss it better…" I offer.

So Em proceeds to pepper my head with little kisses. "I think I hurt my neck too. You should probably kiss it as well, just to be safe." I smirk.

He grins when he realizes my fiendish plan. "I think after a fall like that, you probably hurt all over. Would you like me to kiss you better, _all over_?"

"Yes, please!" I nod emphatically as he begins to devour me with kisses all over my body. When his kisses take a southern turn, they are joined by his fingers and he begins to use his tongue on me too.

Soon, Em is turning me into a moaning, mewling mess and I cry out at the top of my lungs, screaming his name as he drives me to orgasm.

"Em, I need you inside of me," I plead.

"Yes, Ma'am," he whispers, crawling on top of me and positioning himself between my legs. Soon, I feel him press inside of me and begin fucking me into the embankment at vampire speed.

"Oh, yes!" I groan, twinning my hands behind his neck, pulling his mouth closer so I can kiss him.

Three or four orgasms later, I notice something. When we started out, there was a wall of earth behind me, but now? There is earth on all three sides of me.

"Uhhh, Em? I think we're making the lagoon bigger." I laugh, staring at the little channel we made.

"Yep! Happens all the time." He chuckles, beaming. "Rosie calls it landscaping. You wouldn't believe how many geographic features in the area looked different before we plowed into them during coitus."

I have to giggle at the idea of Emmett changing the landscape of Washington with his lovemaking. "That's priceless!" Then I look at the channel again and consider it. "We should move over and keep going around in a circle to even this out because right now, this looks pretty man-made."

"Oh, yeah. I usually do. I guess I just got really distracted because we've never done this before. You're pretty amazing, Bells." He grins sheepishly.

"So are you, Em. And hey, are you still gonna be my big brother after this?" I ask hopefully.

"Yep." He nods. "It's just gonna be a whole lot kinkier, that's all."

"Oh good. I can handle kinky." I wink, pulling him back down to me to finish what we started.

And I have to say, by the time we climb out of the water, the lagoon looks pretty amazing.

"Maybe we can come back here again sometime for an encore?" He suggests, looking hopeful.

"That depends if your mate shows up at our door right away like Carlisle's did." I snicker.

"Or yours," he counters."That could happen just as easily."

"It could…but I'm starting to get the feeling my story has a lot more chapters in it than that." I sigh. "Which reminds me, I need to get Esme to put a pen on the shopping list for me."

"A pen? Why do you need a pen?" Emmett asks, perplexed.

"For the story, I've been writing in my head of course."

(And here you all thought I was gonna break the fourth wall again didn't you? Oh wait, crap, I just did! Oops, ignore my ramblings, Emmett is about to respond!)

"You've been writing a story, Bells?" Em grins.

"Yep, I started it during my change. It ends when I find my mate," I tell him.

Emmett lights up like a Christmas Tree. "Am I in it?"

I have a chuckle at his boyish exuberance. "Of course! We're writing it right now. This is your chapter."

"Oooh! Can I give it a title, please?" He begs.

"Sure, Em. What should we call it?"

He thinks for a moment and looks a little like Winnie The Pooh while doing so. "I know! How about Teddy Bear's Picnic?"

"That's cute, Em!" I grin. "But we aren't having a picnic."

Emmett beams. "Yes, we are, Sissy. Lunch just showed up!"

And sure enough, I look and see a mountain lion off in the distance, in hot pursuit of a deer. Little does Mr. Cougar know, he know he picked the wrong restaurant today!

"I call dibs on the carnivore!" Em cheers.

"Cool, I'll race ya!" I laugh.

"You're on!"


	5. A Northern Belle & a Southern Gentleman

**AN: Okay, so as I'm sure you've noticed, I'm trying to keep the author's notes to a minimum on this one. So if anyone wants to be thanked personally for their awesome reviews, just end your review with an emoji (the old fashioned kind, obviously, because the cartoon ones don't carry over on the site.) Thanks!**

* * *

 **Chapter Five: A Northern Belle and A Southern Gentleman**

After a few weeks of borrowing Em every time Rose will let me, I decide I need to return to my quest. After all, this would be a very different story if it were just about Emmett and me.

But before I move on to my next conquest, I should probably catch you up again on all the family goings on.

Stupid, Stupid, Stupid, (Remember him, from the beginning? He used to be known as Edward, but I'm changing his name for the duration of this story.) wanted to come back but Alice told him not to.

She probably realized that Stupid, Stupid, Stupid, would not approve of the thoughts he would find in everyone's heads and would likely say something to end up pissing off The Newborn.

Oh wait, I guess I can't refer to myself as The Newborn anymore, since there have been two vamps born after me now, and Charlie is next to be changed whenever Phil finally calms down.

So if we're sticking to human analogies, then I guess Phil is The Newborn, which makes Renée The Toddler and me The Preschooler. And really? That's fitting in a sense because Phil is the most high maintenance, Renée is the most emotional, and I am the most fun!

Well, at least, that's what Emmett keeps telling me.

Bow-chicka-bow-wow.

And yeah, now that you mention it, I realize in hindsight, I should probably drop the preschool analogy whenever I'm talking about sex. This isn't _that_ kind of a story, thankfully!

So, now that you're basically caught up again, I'll proceed with what happens next. Spoiler alert! I _don't know_ what happens next, because I am writing this story in Present Tense. Which means that it is happening, right now, as we speak!

"Oh hi, Jasper!" I beam, looking up from the notebook I am presently writing in.

With a pen!

That Esme bought me!

Squeeeeeeeeee!

Good ol' Esme!

Not that she's really _that_ _old_ , per _se_.

Anyway, focus, Bella, there is a sexy Empath, wearing a delightful smirk, staring at me, trying to read my complex set of newborn emotions.

"Hi, Bella." Jasper laughs. "You, are certainly somethin', Darlin' I hope you know that."

"Yeah. I do. Though, the jury's still out on what kind of somethin'." I beam.

"Well, I guess that prolly depends on who you ask." Jasper grins.

Okay, hold the presses! Help me, Dear Readers! Can you guys tell if he is flirting here?

I mean, the guy practically oozes sex _anyway_ , so maybe he's just being friendly?

Let's find out!

"And if I asked _you_? What kind of a somethin' would I be, Jasper?" I challenge.

Let's see how he responds to that!

He chuckles, and instead of giving me a boring verbal response, he just says: "If you want to know how _I_ feel, here goes." and sends me the complete cocktail of his emotions.

I have to admit I am surprised upon seeing myself through Jasper's eyes, or should I say feeling myself through Jasper's gift? (Not like _that_! Get your minds outta the gutter! Oh, no, wait! Keep them there! The gutter is exactly where they need to be for this here story!) But I am surprised because apparently, Jasper finds me intriguing, sexy, witty, mysterious, arousing, clever, cute and generally enjoyable, if I am applying the right descriptors to go with his emotions.

"Cool! So...what do you plan to do about all that?" I ask, leaving the ball in his court.

"I plan to take you huntin'." He smirks.

Oh boy! I've been a vampire long enough now to know that when a boy wants to 'take you hunting' it generally has the same connotations as oh, say, hmm, Netflix and Chill.

Maybe this is why Alice told me to wear my red lingerie today! I had a feeling there was some ulterior motive there but I just couldn't put my finger on it. Not the lingerie, of course, I could easily put my finger on _that_.

Speaking of fingers, Jasper is holding his hand out for me to take, and he looks concerned that I have not moved to do so yet. I should probably pay more attention to my surroundings!

I move to take his hand, and together, we run into the forest.

Bringing me to a beautiful little clearing, complete with a babbling brook and beds of soft moss, Jasper pulls me down into his lap so that I am straddling him cowgirl style and kisses me.

Oooh Lordy! The sexy, smoldering vamps on TV can't hold a candle to this one, that's for certain!

Sadly, no epic mating spark though. But I should still make sure.

I allow him to help me out of my clothing so that Alice doesn't kill me for shredding it. He undresses us both, skillfully, somehow without even breaking the kiss.

I quickly impale myself on his throbbing sword, eager to find out just exactly how awesome sex is with an Empath. I have a feeling, it's pretty awesome!

Annnd I am one hundred and ten percent correct, it seems because it is _beyond_ awesome. It's beyowesome! Or whatever it is that hamster says in that movie where the dog thinks he's a superhero but is really just an actor.

And yeah, I realize, in hindsight, it is probably really weird to think about cartoon animals while having the best sex of my life. Sorry Carlisle, Emmett, but hey, I just calls 'em like I sees 'em.

Not that they weren't both amazing too, they were, of course!

But admittedly there is something about having your own lust, passion, and pleasure as well as your partner's, projected back at you during the act. It transcends the typical sexual experience and takes you to another plane of existence.

Okay, hmm, yep, I uh, have seriously lost all ability to uh, focus on the, uh, words of this here story because I am currently on what I am umm, fairly certain is my uh, _fifth_ consecutive orgasm, oh, nope, wait _this is number six_!

Deep breaths, Bella, focus and _think_!

Your readers might not want you giving them an ongoing tally of how _many_! (Seven) orgasms you're having.

That might be a little too much information. I mean, come on, girl! This is supposed to be a humor/adventure story, not a porno!

Although I have to admit, if they made a porno staring Jasper, I'd _definitely_ buy it!

"Jasperrrr!" I cry out, reaching number eight. Yes, I know, I said I wouldn't count, but I'm not overfond of the number seven, so I didn't want to stop there.

"Yes, Darlin'. That's my name." He chuckles, lifting me off of his friendly soldier and pulling me into his lap to cuddle.

"Have you ever starred in a porno, Jasper?" I smirk.

"Not yet. Wanna make one?" He grins mischievously.

"Tempting. Soooo tempting. But I probably shouldn't, in case my mate wouldn't approve. I don't know how liberal he may or may not be, yet. Speaking of mates, I'm sorry it couldn't be you, Jasper. Especially after the mind-blowing sex!" I sigh. "I hope finding out about that wasn't the only reason you wanted to do this, because I would love to do this again with you," I admit, chewing my lip _lightly_.

(As a side note, I have to wonder how many newborn vampires have accidentally chewed their own lip off, forgetting their strength. Renée did it the other day and Carlisle had to reattach it. It was more than a little disturbing.)

"Darlin', I'm an Empath, remember? I already knew ya weren't my mate before we started. I wanted ya because _I wanted ya_ ," he assures me with a smoldering kiss. "'Sides, _you're_ not an Empath, so I knew you'd need to find out for yourself, rather than just taking my word for it."

I ponder that for a moment. "Oh yeah, that's probably true. I have a habit of needing to find things out for myself to believe them. Which is why I stayed with Stupid, Stupid, Stupid, right up until my change. Even though every warning bell in my head was trying to tell me that if he was my mate, he would have wanted me changed, I ignored it. But hey, I'm glad I did, otherwise, I wouldn't be here."

"True, I guess Stupid, Stupid, Stupid, did _one_ thing right in his life when he brought you to us." Jasper laughs.

"Oh sweet! You're calling him that too now?" I grin chipperly.

"I think most of the family are, Bella. That boy has to be pretty inept to give up on a beauty like you. I know I'm gonna have a hard time myself giving you up, even to your mate when you find him," he confesses.

"You mean, we get to keep doing this until then?" I ask excitedly.

"As long as you want to, yeah. But I may have to share you. I know Em is really hopin' you'll still want to go out to the waterfall with him on occasion." He shrugs.

"Wait, you mean...until I find my mate, I can have you _both_? I don't have to _choose_?" I confirm, hoping I understand.

"Darlin', Emmett and I have managed to successfully share a video system, I think if we can do that, we can definitely share a woman." He smirks.

"Yay!" I cheer, not really caring if I sound like a dork. I love spending time with my "brothers", especially sexy times. It would've been a damn shame to have to choose.

"I'm glad you're happy, Bella." He laughs mirthfully. "So am I."

* * *

 **AN: So, Jasper brings us to the last of the Cullen males. I plan on including most of the single males from canon, but you can also let me know which couples you want me to break up for this!**


	6. Stranger Danger

**Chapter Six: Stranger Danger**

It's a few weeks later (Look, I might have a pen now, but I still don't have a calendar, okay. No newborn is that organized, sheesh!). Currently, I am out in the woods trying to catch dinner.

I've come pretty far though, and I still haven't seen anything other than a family of beavers and a few rodents, rabbits and birds. I'm lowkey starting to wonder if we have possibly, somehow, accidentally, been over-hunting the area. And now, the conservationist part of my brain is going into full-on panic mode.

That's when I realize, sniffing the air, that I can smell the scent of another apex predator in the area and that he is probably what has scared them all off.

It is clearly the scent of a vampire, a male vampire. But definitely not one I have ever met before.

You _would_ think that I would do the smart thing and run home to alert the others, but I've been told a few times that I have no self-preservation instinct. Besides, I can tell from the scent that there is only one vampire. So whoever he is, he must be alone.

And so, instead, I decide to run _towards_ the scent, as quietly as possible.

Thankfully he is standing in a clearing when I catch up to him, and his back is to me, so I can see him before he catches my scent or sees me.

And wowza! The man is totally gorgeous. I mean, he's dirty and his hair is unkempt, but he's definitely hot enough to excuse his wild state, that's for sure. _Hubba-Hubba_!

I realize, however, pretty quickly, that he has something lying at his feet, not moving. As he bends down to it, I realize it's probably a person!

Oh shit! That does not bode well for the treaty. I should probably find out if he's already bitten them. If not, maybe I can convince this hungry vampire to disregard his current meal choice and go find one elsewhere.

With the intention of doing exactly that, I carefully approach him. But the wind changes directions, and I can tell by his change in posture that he can smell me. Not because I stink. Trust me, I bathe regularly, unlike this guy. But he definitely has my scent because he straightens and abruptly turns to face me, crouching over his prey.

And when he looks at me, that's when I see it all so much more clearly. Looking into his eyes, I register that they are golden (Unlike mine which are still a dark orange in spite of not having slipped even once. I mean don't even get me started on how freaking frustrating that is! Ooh, guess what? I didn't swear! Yay me!).

So it would seem…apparently, Tarzan is a veggie vamp!

When I look back at his prey, which is more visible now that he isn't hunched over it, I realize that yep, that is a deer, not a person. Yay! No dead locals means no broken treaty! My family will be so happy that we don't have to move yet!

"No!" He grunts, looking very intensely at me.

"No? No what? I didn't even say anything!" I huff. He better not be responding to my thoughts. The last thing this family needs is another mind reader. Not that Tarzan is even going to _join_ the family unless of course, he turns out to be my mate.

"No take!" He growls, shifting to gesture at the wounded animal. "Mine!"

"Oh! Relax, Jungle Man. I'm not here for _your_ deer, I'm here for _you_ , Dear." I laugh, stepping closer.

"No take!" He roars, stepping toward me, poised like he wants to fight.

I walk slowly with my arms out in a gesture of peace. "I have no interest in your prey. I'll go get my own, later." I slowly tell him.

And just to illustrate that I'm here for the _other_ feral thing that vampires do, not to steal his food...I take my shirt off.

"My name is Bella. What's yours?" I ask, putting my hands over my heart and repeating, "Bella."

He seems to realize what I am doing, because next, he puts his hands over his own heart and says, "Ash".

"Oh cool! Hi Ash, nice to meet you. Would you like to have sex now, so we can find out if we are mates? I mean, you are a veggie vamp who I have never heard of before, so the odds are fairly strong that you are my mate. Otherwise, why else would the powers that be have sent you to this area, right?" I ask, stepping out of my pants.

"Sex yes. Talk no." He grunts, stepping into my arms and kissing me.

He tastes like deer blood, which drives me crazy with lust. Apparently, this wasn't his first catch in the area.

I begin frantically kissing him and am grateful that he is already buck naked so that there is less clothing to remove between us. He rips off my bra and panties and I can't bring myself to be mad. I push him down on the ground and straddle him, sliding quickly down on his throbbing erection.

"Fuck!" I hiss, gritting my teeth against the immense pleasure. (Oops, I swore again! My bad!)

"So! good!" I gasp, moving his hands up to touch my breasts. He pinches my nipples, hard and I moan, feeling so glad that as weird as it is to have come across Tarzan in the woods, at least it wasn't the Disney version. I mean, can you really picture Disney Tarzan pinching Disney Jane's nipples?

Dammit, Bella, what have I told you about the weird pillow talk? And this is the _second_ Disney reference! If you don't get a handle on your penchant for random thought trains, people are going to start thinking you have a Disney fetish!

And I mean, sure, Ariel looks great in that seashell bikini, but she's still a fish, people!

(Side note, is it weird to call it pillow talk when we're having sex on the forest floor where there are most definitely not any pillows?)

Dammit! He's making me cum! Do you know how awkward it is to orgasm while you are on a mental tangent about seashell bikinis and cartoon princesses?

Because let me tell you! It is pretty dang awkward.

"Ash, Bella, mates now?" He asks me, after spilling his own release inside of me.

"Nope." I shake my head. "Ash, Bella, friends. With benefits," I correct since there is no way I could have been thinking about Ariel during the act if we were mates.

"Ash not want friends. Ash want find mate." He huffs.

 _Trust me, you and I both, Buddy._

I hop off of him and get dressed, stuffing my ripped garments into my pockets, because I am not a filthy litterbug. This is a _forest_ , people, not my own personal landfill.

Although how cool would it be to have your own personal landfill? I feel like I've seen that somewhere as a plot before. But not here, because this is a forest and this story has no zombies in it either, sorry. And I am not a junkyard princess named after the evil witch in Narnia at that. Not to mention, this story takes place in 2005, by which time the aforementioned (or afore alluded to, I guess) fiction does not even exist yet.

(Bella! Stop breaking the fourth wall!)

Oh right, sorry! I keep forgetting there's a wall there!

Anyway, back to the present. A noise behind us startles Ash, and he runs off.

I could follow him, but the scent of the wounded deer hits me and I suddenly remember that I was originally on a hunt for food when this all started, so I decide to be rude and drink the Bambi juice box he conveniently left lying right here in front of me.

(Oh great, another damn Disney reference!)

Huh. And here I told him I wasn't gonna poach his kill. Oops, I guess I lied.

I hear Jasper coming and turn around to face him, sensing Tarzan isn't coming back anytime soon. "Hey Sexy, how's it goin'?" I ask, batting my eyelashes.

He smirks. "I could ask you the same thing, Bella. Apparently, Alice got a vision of you makin' it with some nomad she'd never seen before?"

"Yeah. His name was Ash and he was sinfully delicious for a monosyllabic Neanderthal." I shrug with a lopsided grin.

"And he was a vegetarian?" Jasper confirms.

"Yep. I accidentally stole his deer though. I feel kinda bad about it." I sigh.

"Well, if he wasn't much of a talker, he's probably not used to livin' around people. So he probably moves around a lot, which means, he might not stay in one area very long," Jasper explains, though he seems worried I might be upset about it.

"That's okay. He wasn't my mate. Which means I'm still available for the 'Southern Sex Gods', so it's actually a really good thing." I grin.

The Southern Sex Gods was what I had been calling Jasper and Emmett since I started monopolizing as much of their time as I could get away with. Because Em was originally from Tennessee and Jasper was originally from Texas.

I know no one ever thinks of Emmett as Southern in these kinds of stories, but let me tell you...that big ol' teddy bear is a good ol' Southern boy at heart!

Also, in case you want a quick geography lesson (Quick, look away now if you don't!) the Southern United States probably does not consist of the states you _think_ it does. Unless of course, you happen to be an American, who paid attention in school.

The U.S. federal government define the region as consisting of Alabama, Arkansas, Delaware, the District of Columbia, Florida, Georgia, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maryland, Mississippi, North Carolina, Oklahoma, South Carolina, Tennessee, Texas, Virginia, and West Virginia, which all lie south of the Mason-Dixon Line, the Ohio River, and the 36°30′ parallel.

And while many people do not agree with this definition, it dates back to the Civil War era, when those states fought on the Confederate side (Except for Delaware, Kentucky, Maryland, and West Virginia, which were border states, along with Missouri, as they were Union states bordering the Confederacy. Don't ask me why the census bureau lumps four of the five in with the South but not Missouri, because I have no idea.)

Also, don't ask me why Oklahoma, which was not even a state yet during the time of the Civil War, gets to be considered part of the South, but yet Arizona and New Mexico don't, even though they also weren't states yet and are literally as far South as you can go without being in Mexico, but hey, I digress!

Okay, pssst! Those of you who wanted to skip the geography lesson can come back now! Thanks for being so patient while I explained that to the folks who wanted to know ;-)

Anyway, see? I _have_ been doing more with Jasper and Emmett than fornicating :D We even play video games!

"Well good then. I know I, for one, am glad we don't have to give you up yet." Jasper, who was staring at me while I went on ttot little tangent, just grins and throws me over his shoulder, hauling me home so we can go tell Emmett the good news.

"Jasper, I'm perfectly capable of walking." I laugh as he runs us through the forest.

"Yes, but you just fucked a caveman, and I scared him away. Which means now, I get to drag you home to _my_ cave, Bella," he gloats.

And boy would my panties be drenched after that remark if I were wearing any!

Speaking of panties, I take them out of my pocket and stuff them in Jasper's mouth.

"Sex yes, talk no," I grunt, giggling as he hauls me home to do just that.


	7. Pleasure Town

**Chapter Seven: Pleasure Town**

Okay, Folks! It would seem that I have a lot to catch you up on this time. Because unbeknownst to you, we've had quite a bit of a time skip here.

It's been several months since my encounter with the caveman, and no, sadly Tarzan Ash has not been back for an encore. Though Jazz and Em have assured me that it just means he left the area, not that I am a bad lay. And while I wasn't super worried, it's still nice to hear that.

In other family news, Phil finally stopped trying to eat people long enough for Alice to turn my dad. So Charlie is now a vampire. And no, he isn't gifted. Neither is Phil. We do suspect Renée might have a gift with her extreme lack of bloodlust but come on, you didn't actually think _all four of us_ would be gifted, did you? This isn't one of those stories where we go around handing out vampire gifts like candies. If you like that sort of thing, you should read Even The Major Needs a Mate. I hear they also hand out mates like candies in that one too, those lucky bastards!

Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh yeah! I was about to say that since Alice has been dealing with her newborn mate, she hasn't had as much free time to hang out with Jasper. Which means that I've been spending a lot of my time with a certain yummy Southern Major. And of course, Emmett's been around too, though not as much, because Rose has been complaining that I can't monopolize both of them.

I almost offered to let her join us, but I'm not actually sure how anyone in the family feels about same-sex stuff or group sex, and I don't really want to find out the hard way.

But it's okay because Jasper has been keeping me more than well satisfied.

In fact, we're in his room having sex right now. So again, I am writing without a pen. I didn't _lose_ it, it's just impolite to be noticeably writing while having sex. But anyway, Jasper has me pinned against the wall with my legs wrapped around his waist. And thankfully, these walls are _very_ well enforced, because he is pounding me into the wall pretty hard and we haven't even made a dent in it. I have to admit I'm impressed.

"Ya know, Darlin'...yer emotions are always such a jumble, I love tryin' ta figure out what's goin' on in that gorgeous head of yers," He groans sounding oh so very sexy.

"Well, at present, I am giving my readers a play by play of our current sexcapades," I grin. (Is it odd that the phrase 'sexcapades' reminds me of figure skating?)

"Oh. Yer still at that?" He chuckles, reaching down to touch me.

"Of course, Jazz. I will be writing this story until I find my mate," I remind him, since I know I already told him that.

"Yeah, I know ya said that. It's just that I'm used ta dealin' with _regular_ newborns, who have a shorter attention span than a kid with ADHD." Jasper shrugs, bringing me to orgasm.

He follows after me, filling me with his love juice. I can't help but laugh. "And here I thought _I_ had bizarre pillow talk. Yet you're the one who just made me cum while talking about little boys on Ritalin!"

"Now, now, be fair Bella. They could be little girls on Ritalin," he teases.

Just then the phone rings.

"I wonder who's calling," I say, listening in when Carlisle answers.

" _Hello? Cullen residence, Dr. Cullen speaking."_ I'm pretty sure I still hear my mother moaning faintly in the background. Totally rude of her while he's on the phone!

" _Carlisle! How the hell are ya, old buddy? It's Garrett."_ Ooh! Whoever this guy is, he sounds sexy!

" _Hello, Garrett! It certainly is good to hear from you, old friend!"_ Well, Carlisle seems happy he called, so that's a good sign.

" _Glad to hear it, Carlisle. Listen, I wanted to stop by for a visit, but I think you've moved a few times since we last saw each other, so I couldn't presume to know where you're at these days…"_ Oh goodie! Mr. Sexy is coming here! I wonder if he's single.

" _We're at our Forks home, in Washington State. By all means, we would love to have you visit. Let me give the tribal chief a call first though. We have a treaty with the local tribe, I think I've mentioned them?"_ Wait...why does the treaty matter? I thought they just had that to appease the superstitious elders...

" _Ah yes, the wolf boys. They won't eat me if I come by?"_

Wolf boys!? Wait, so the Quileute's are...werewolves!? Naw, that's too _weird_.

" _I don't think so, but let me call you back once I find out for sure?"_

Wow, am I the only one that's confused here?

" _Perfect, thank you, Carlisle. Talk to you soon!"_ Well, Mr. Sexy doesn't seem too concerned, so I guess I don't need to worry.

I look at Jasper, wondering what this wolf business is all about, and who this Garrett guy is.

Jasper looks like he ate a canary. Well, as a cat, not as a vampire. I mean, I doubt songbirds are very palatable to us. Anyway, he seems pretty thrilled.

"Fuckin' Garrett." He grins.

"Are you saying that's something I oughta try?" I confirm.

"Probably. He doesn't have a mate." Jasper nods. "I'm just excited he's comin' here. Carlisle's known him longer, but I met him back when I lived with Pete an' Char. He stayed with us for a while. He's a cheeky, cynical asshole but I love him like a brother. He prefers the nomad life, even though Carlisle offered him a place in the family."

"Well, he sounds cool at least." I smile. "Now what was the stuff about the tribe?"

"Oh yeah! In all the chaos since ya became a vampire, it evidently didn't occur to anyone ta fill ya in about the treaty. It wasn't our place to say while you were human, 'cause it isn't _our_ secret, but now that you're a vampire ya need ta know because it directly affects ya.

"The Quileutes have a latent ability passed down through their genetic lineage that some of the boys are capable of transformin' into giant wolves. The gene is triggered when vampires are in the area. The wolves' job is ta protect the tribe an' other local humans from vampires.

"Last time the family lived here was before Alice an' I joined, an' three boys phased then. I'm not sure if there is a direct correlation with the numbers but it does make sense that there would be since three wolves wouldn't really protect them from oh, say, a horde o' newborns." Jasper explains.

Needless to say, my ass is shocked. (Not literally, obviously, though I've been told there _is_ a vampire who can electrocute people.)

"Then why would there only have been three wolves at that time? Even without you and Alice, the family would have been five people, right? Or was it before Em and Rose joined too?" I wonder.

"The family was only here fer a short time before they learned about the wolves an' put the treaty in place. The treaty prohibits us from enterin' tribal lands, so once the treaty existed, the family wouldn't've been close enough ta their boys to trigger the gene," he reasons.

"Gotcha. Does the treaty prohibit anything else I should know about?" I confirm.

"It used to prohibit any of us bitin' a human, but right after yer dad was changed, he video-called their actin' chief, Billy Black, who is apparently a good buddy o' his and explained the situation to him. So now the treaty just says that no one can feed on a human in the area, an' that humans should only be turned for matin' purposes or to save a life. An' vampires need permission to set foot on tribal land," he clarifies.

"So do they have any wolves now?" I ask, curious if anyone I know has the ability. I also have to wonder if my dad will still get to go onto the Rez to hang out with Billy. He'd be heartbroken without their bromance.

"Yes. One shifted shortly after the family returned to the area, an' when yer dad talked to Billy, he mentioned that a second wolf has started phasing recently," Jasper informs me.

"Anyone I know?" I confirm, trying to picture any of the kids I used to play with turning into giant wolves. It's pretty hard to picture. I keep just seeing them as little wolf pups in my mind's eye when I try.

"Not sure. The older of the two is named Sam Uley. The other is Jared Cameron," Jasper tells me.

Sam sounds familiar, at least, but Jared doesn't ring any bells. The only Camerons I know of are Kirk and Candace. I mean, not to say I _know them personally_ , but hey, I watched television in the 90s just like every other kid in America.

"So, not Jacob?" I inquire.

"No, not Jacob. Not yet anyway. But hey, if ya plan on stayin' friends with him, you should prolly tell him yourself because if he hears it from the elders he might get a very slanted view o' vampires," Jasper cautions.

"Okay, cool, maybe I'll go talk to him after your hot friend visits." I grin.

"How do ya know Garrett is hot, Bella?"He laughs.

" _All_ vampires are hot, Jazz." _Hmm, hot Jazz makes me think of hot jizz, which admittedly makes me want sex again._ "So it isn't a stretch to assume he would be. Besides, he _sounded_ pretty sexy on the phone." I shrug.

"Oh he is, don't worry, I'm just fuckin' with ya." Jasper grins his lazy smile at me.

"You sure are, Jasper." I laugh, wriggling my hips to remind him that we never technically stopped having sex.

"Ready fer round two?" He beams.

"Yeah, but make sure to project lots. I love it when we go downstairs after fornicating and the whole house looks like a tornado and smells like sex. Makes me feel like there was an orgy." I chuckle.

"You do realize I can't pick and choose who gets hit with that and who doesn't, right?" he reminds me.

"Yeah, but I've gotten better at blocking out Renée's and Charlie's scents and noises," I assure him.

"Alright, if yer sure?" He laughs.

"Mmmhmmn, go for it. Spread the love, Jasper!" I encourage. And soon, we can hear every couple in the house going at it like fuckin' rabbits.

" _Phillip! That was my China cabinet!"_ Esme squeals breathlessly after a very loud series of crashing noises.

" _I'm sorry, Baby, I'll buy you a new one!"_ Phil groans.

" _I'm getting shards of wood in my ass, Phillip."_ She complains.

" _Shit! Wood isn't dangerous to vampires, is it Baby?"_ He worries sounding panicked.

" _No, but it isn't exactly comfortable either."_ She exhales.

" _Do you want me to stop?"_ He grunts.

" _No, don't you dare! I'm so close. Make me cum Honey!"_ She pleads.

" _That's it, Baby, cum for Daddy!"_ Phil growls.

Okay, that should not be so hot. But hey, I've seen Phil in swim trunks before and what can I say? The guy is totally ripped. I mean, can you say yummmmy?

Soon, Jasper starts absorbing the lust of every person in the house and projecting it back to everyone. And being near the epicenter, I get hit so hard from it that I find myself coming with such an intensity I practically black out!

When I eventually regain my sanity, I look into Jasper's eyes and send him my gratitude. It is going to be a sad, sad day when I have to stop riding The Jasper Express to Pleasure Town.

"Same here, Bella." He sighs, sensing my emotions. "But at least as vampires, we have perfect recall."

"Oh goody! You mean, if my mate turns out to be a terrible lay, I can just relive this experience repeatedly in my mind?" I smirk.

"If your mate turns out to be a terrible lay, I'm gonna hafta wonder what in sam hell is wrong with the world, because you, my Darlin', deserve nothin' but the best," He says, kissing me softly.

"Thanks, Jasper. So do you."

* * *

 **AN: Next Chapter will be Garrett. Any requests on who else you want to see?**


	8. Oh Baby!

**Chapter Eight: Oh Baby!**

Is everybody excited? I know I sure am because it's recap time! And no, this time I am not having sex while I write this. At least, not yet anyway.

Okay, so here's what you missed in between chapters:

Stupid, Stupid, Stupid tried to come back again. I mean, you'd think he would learn, right? Nobody wants to see you, ya whiny man-child! Anyway, Alice put him off of the idea again, but she probably can't keep dissuading his sorry ass forever, so eventually, I'm gonna have to face him. *sigh*

But, in brighter news, Garrett the Sexy Patriot is on his way! He should be here within the hour. That's why I'm currently scribbling this down (on paper! with a pen!) while I can because hopefully, soon I will be standing in line for the newest _attraction_ in town if you catch my meaning ;-P

And yes, they confirmed for me that he _is_ sexy. Carlisle showed me a picture and wow! I definitely hope I meet the height requirement to ride the New England Dreamboat, yum yum! Maybe he'll even be my mate, wouldn't that be something?

Oh, and speaking of Carlisle, which we were for all of two seconds (Remember, I'm a newborn with the attention span of a gnat here! Although, is that really a fair comparison? Has anyone actually ever _measured_ a gnat's attention span? Maybe we're giving those little guys a bad rep for nothing. I mean, ya never know, right?), he proposed. To Renée. During sex.

And she said yes, which caused them to come running out of their room naked to tell everyone their news. An image which I am still trying to scrub from my photographic vampire memory (emphasis on the graphic part in this case). So yeah, my mother and the first man I ever boned are getting married now. Yay me!

But I don't really have time to fully process that now, because I hear a car. A car? I thought this Garrett guy was one of those restless nomad types who ran everywhere…why would he be in a car?

As the car turns down our driveway though, I can tell it isn't Garrett. Because the car has three heartbeats in it. Alice and Charlie are out hunting, so she isn't here to tell us who it is. Carlisle got called into work due to an emergency at the hospital and he took Renée into town with him, since her control is so perfect. Emmett and Rose are in Port Angeles seeing a movie because she lost a bet and has to give him head in the dark theatre.

So the only people home besides me are Jasper, who last I saw him, was listening to music and reading one of his Civil War books, and Esme and Phil who are working on installing a swimming pool in the backyard.

When the car gets closer, I realize that the people in it are familiar to me. It's Angela Webber and Jessica Stanley. Ah crap! They're probably here because none of us have been to school in a really long time, so they're probably curious.

As far as the school and the Forks PD knows, my dad cashed in his vacation time and he and I are visiting my mom in Phoenix. Meanwhile, Esme had called the school to say that she was taking the Cullen kids to visit a sick relative in Alaska. But the school wouldn't have disclosed that information to other students.

I suppose I should probably go let Jasper know and see what he thinks we should do about them.

As I head toward his study, I hear the car door open and close and am frozen in place by what I hear next.

"Phillip no! Phil stop!" Esme cries frantically. "Jasper, Bella, help! Come quickly!"

Ahh, fuck me! (And not in the good way)

I run downstairs at vamp speed, past the point of caring what my school friends see or don't see because I'm fairly certain that Phil is currently eating them.

Sure enough, when I get into the yard, Esme is desperately trying to pry Phil off of Angela while Jessica cowers in shock on the other side of the car.

"She's on her period! The blood was too much for him!" Esme explains in a whisper as I help her get my former step-dad away from Angela.

Thankfully, Jasper must've heard the ruckus too and he comes outside hitting everyone with a wave of calm.

"Esme, Phil needs ta hunt. I'm comin' with ya in case he loses control again. Bella, can ya please take Angela n' Jessica inside an' explain things to Jessica? You can lay Angela down in the guest room fer now. Alice will have seen this, so she an' Charlie should be home soon ta help." Jasper instructs.

"Sure thing, Jazz." I nod, as he and Esme proceed to haul Phil into the woods. "Follow me, Jessica. You're safe now." I say, picking Angela up and carrying her carefully inside with Jessica trailing behind us.

I take Ang upstairs and lay her on the bed in the guest room. She's screaming but there's nothing I can do about that now. I need to attend to the living human friend who seems to have two heartbeats.

"I'm sure you have questions…" I begin, setting a mug of herbal tea in front of Jess.

"Yeah! Starting with _what the fuck_ , Bella!?" She squeaks in a high pitched whine.

I sigh and try to figure out how best to explain. "Okay, so, remember how everyone always thought the Cullens were weird? Well, they're not _weird_ , they're just _vampires_. And now I am one as well. Surprise!" I laugh nervously.

"That's why you haven't been at school?" Jessica surmises after a pause.

"Yeah. I'll be able to go back eventually, but probably not until we move somewhere else because I look different now." I shrug.

"You don't necessarily look _that_ different, Bella. If you got contacts, people would just assume you started wearing makeup and got your hair done," Jess says, looking me over.

"Maybe. I suppose I could try," I ponder.

"Is…Angela...dead?" Jess asks bravely.

"She's changing into a vampire. It's what happens when a vamp bites you but doesn't take enough blood to kill you," I explain. "The Cullens drink animal blood. It's why their eyes are tawny instead of red. Mine will be gold too, once I have been a vampire a bit longer. They start off red but the animal blood diet changes them."

"If the Cullens drink animal blood, who was that man and why did he bite Angela?" she questions.

"He's my step-dad, or at least he was. Now he's Esme's mate. It's really hard for most newborn vampires to control the bloodlust when they first change. My mom and I have really good control, but my dad and Phil are just regular newborns," I tell her. _Fuck this is boring._

"Oh. So when they change you, they have to change your whole family?"

I laugh. "No, that's just in my fucked-up case. A nomad vampire bit me in Phoenix and I changed, which is a really long story. But Charlie was changed because he is Alice's mate, my mom was changed for Carlisle, and Phil was changed for Esme."

"Oh wow. So, your family and Edward's family are all intermarried now? That's kind of messed up. Are you still with Edward?" She wonders.

"Actually, I changed his name to Stupid, Stupid, Stupid, and he hasn't been around because he's a waste of skin and nobody wants to see him. I've been having sex with the rest of the Cullens trying to find my mate. But none of them are it, so now I have to broaden my horizons. In fact, my next date should be here soon," I explain as if Garrett is just some guy I swiped on Tinder. I can never remember if it's left or right that you swipe when you like them. Thankfully there's no dating app for vampires!

"Oh wow! You're not a virgin anymore!? Neither am I," Jess admits.

"Yeah, I can tell by the whole baby on the way thing. Congrats." I nod.

"Who told you, was it Ang? She swore she wouldn't say anything." She grumbles.

"No, I can hear the heartbeat," I explain, pointing to her stomach.

"You can!? Is she healthy?" She asks in awe.

"I don't know, I'm not a fuckin' doctor. Hell, I'm not even _fucking_ a doctor anymore, since my mom showed up and ruined that. But I'm sure Carlisle would be happy to examine you if you ask him nicely." I sigh.

"You fucked Carlisle!?" She gasps. "What was it like?"

"Pretty great, until my mom showed up. But not the greatest of the Cullens. That would be Jasper." I grin.

"You fucked them _all_?" She says with her jaw hanging open.

"Yeah, I told you that already. I'm trying to find my mate," I remind her.

 _Where the hell are Alice and Charlie? Babysitting Jessica is not my idea of a blast and I have a gorgeous nomad to greet shortly._

"Wow. I wish I was a vampire! Your life sounds so carefree and primal now!" She states enviously.

"It is." I nod. "Just don't let Rosalie hear you say that. Being human means you get to do the one thing she never got to. Vampires can't have children."

"They can't? That's awful. I would totally trade places with her though if I could. I'm terrified about being a mother. My own mother is...a piece of shit," Jess admits. "So I keep thinking as long as I just do the opposite of everything she did, then I'll hopefully be okay."

I smile, knowing all too well what it's like to have a strained relationship with your mother.

"Do you have a name picked out yet?" I ask her.

"I like Annabeth but Mike keeps trying to convince me to name her Michaela." She sighs dramatically.

"Is Mike…?" How do you ask someone who their baby daddy is without sounding judgy? I don't really know, so hopefully, she gets my meaning.

"Yeah, she's his. But we're not together. We got drunk at a party and hooked up. He's signing over his parental rights to me when she's born." Jessica tells me. I'm no empath, but she definitely sounds a bit sad about it.

"Well, that's likely for the best. There's something I should probably tell you," I admit, lightly chewing my lip.

"I knew it! You like him, don't you?" She accuses.

"Gross! Not in a million years, Jess! No offense…he just isn't my type." I shrug. "No, what I was going to say wasn't about Mike, it was about you."

"You like _me_? Bella, I'm flattered, but I don't actually swing that way." Jess worries.

"Neither do I, Jess. I'm not gay like that actress everyone says I look like. I like cock." I assure her.

"Okay...so I'm confused, what's the problem?" She questions.

"The problem is, you know about vampires now. There are laws against humans knowing about us. When a human finds out, they are supposed to either be changed or killed," I tell her. "So it's actually a good thing that Mike doesn't want to be involved with you or the baby. We're probably going to have to turn you after the baby is born. Unless of course, you want to spend your life hiding from vampires?"

"Shit. I didn't realize. Umm, it seems pretty cool to be a vampire. But what will happen to Annabeth?" She frets.

"You should still be able to raise her, you'll just have to keep your distance at first until your control is adequate," I explain, just as Alice and Charlie return from hunting.

Charlie wisely stays outside since the last thing we need is for Jessica to get eaten. Alice zips into the room with us, grinning like a crazy person. "Hi, Jessica! Don't worry! I've seen that it won't take you very long to master your control at all. Annabeth makes a very powerful motivator. Bella, Garrett is almost here. I crossed his scent on our way back here. If you want to go greet him, I can stay with Jess?" Alice offers.

"Is that okay with you, Jessica?" I ask hopefully.

"Yeah, that's fine. Enjoy your date." She nods.

"Thanks, I'm sure I will!" I beam, and zoom off into the woods to find me a sexy manpire!

* * *

After a few minutes of searching (because apparently isolating the scent of one specific vampire, in a forest which many vampires traverse regularly, is a slightly difficult task) I find him.

I'm surprised to find him naked, standing against a tree, smoking a cigarette though. I had assumed he'd be heading to the house.

"Took you long enough, Woman." He smirks.

"Huh?" _Brilliant, Bella._

"Jasper texted me earlier and said _watch for a sexy brunette newborn who'll likely ambush ya on yer way in, lookin' ta hook up._ So I decided to strip down and wait here to see if he was serious or just fuckin' with me. I was starting to assume it must be the latter, but now here you are, a sexy brunette newborn, so I assume you want to bone?" He confirms with a cocky grin.

"Oh! Yes, please. I'm trying to find my mate and sex seems to be the easiest, most fun way to do that," I clarify.

"Oh okay, that makes more sense now. I wondered why he didn't just bone you himself, but I imagine you already tried that?" He confirms.

"Yep." I nod. "Tried all the Cullen men and a feral nomad who looked like Tarzan and spoke in monosyllabic grunts. You seem like an improvement from Tarzan, so here's hoping."

"Yeah, I'd love to have a mate as beautiful as you are. Though I can't say it isn't a little weird to think you were with Carlisle first. That's almost as bizarre as the idea of boning Esme." He laughs.

"Hey, how do you think I feel? Less than an hour after I had sex with him, I found out my own mother is his _mate_. Talk about needing therapy!" I chuckle.

"Oh, shit! Your mom is Carlisle's mate? That must be ridiculously awkward."

"Very, yeah. Not to mention, my step-dad turned out to be Esme's mate and my dad turned out to be Alice's," I admit.

"Wow. Apparently, you must be really good luck. Maybe if it turns out you aren't my mate, some of that luck will rub off on me," he suggests hopefully.

"Well, I guess we won't know until we try." I nod, taking my clothes off.

I poach his cigarette and take a long drag. (Only because I am a vampire. Vampires cannot get lung cancer. Do not try this at home boys and girls. You are _not_ vampires! Smoking _will_ kill you. I repeat smoking will _kill_ you!)

"Even more beautiful than I imagined. And I generally have a pretty great imagination," he compliments.

"Thank you, Sir." I beam, stepping into his waiting arms. I kiss him frantically, hoping for a magical zing that sadly isn't there. Oh well, I guess I should have known I have a few more frogs to kiss before I find my prince.

At least this particular frog is a good kisser.

"I'm sorry." He sighs, having obviously come to the same realization.

"Don't apologize. Unless you plan on being a bad lay." I smirk, pushing him up against the tree.

"Oh sweet! You still want to sample the goods." He beams eagerly.

"Of course! It's good practice for when I do find my mate." I reason, dropping to my knees and taking him in my mouth. I work his shaft like a popsicle and his head like a tootsie pop.

In hindsight, I'm really grateful that Renée made me eat so many of those in my younger teen years. I never understood at the time why lollipops and frozen treats were "important for my future" but now I get it.

"Oh Honey." Garrett groans. "With cocksucking skills like those, I don't think you really need much practice."

I smile around his swollen member. "You're sweet." I say, without taking my mouth off him, so it comes out sounding more like "Uull thwit." so I hope he understands.

It doesn't take me long to get him off, and thanks to vampire stamina, he's ready to go again right away. He stands me up and pushes me back against another tree. I wrap my legs around him as he buries himself balls deep inside of me.

It isn't long before I feel myself falling backward as the tree collapses with the force of his thrusting. He skillfully maneuvers us into a horizontal position against the fallen tree and I soon know what Esme meant when she was complaining to Phil about getting splinters of wood in her ass because vampire or not, that shit hurts!

The pleasure, of course, is more than enough to counteract the discomfort and soon I succumb to his talented moves, careening over the precipice of bliss.

Three more orgasms later and one more for him, and we decide to head back to the house. We don't hunt together like I usually do after sex, because our diets are very different and he isn't allowed to hunt in the area anyway because of the treaty. So I spend the walk back to the house explaining to him what happened with Angela and Jess and once he is caught up, we head inside.

Alice and Jessica are sitting in the living room. I'm about to introduce Garrett to Jess when Alice gasps, coming out of a vision. "Bella, go get Jasper, quickly! Garrett is about to hyperventilate!"

"What? Why?" I ask, puzzled.

"Because! Jessica, it would seem, is his mate. _Pregnant_ Jessica," Alice says frantically.

 _Oh shit!_ I take off running for the woods as fast as I can. As I run, I hear the beginnings of what can only be described as the vampire version of a panic attack.

Well, at least we found Jess a vampire baby daddy. Once he has time to fully process, that is.

Hopefully, she won't be as mad as my mom that I banged her mate, oops! I've seriously gotta stop doing that. (Although, I'm pretty sure if I stopped having sex, that would mean the end of this story. And I don't think you guys are ready for that yet, right?)

I find Jasper a little way away from Esme and Phil who are fucking beside the carcass of a moose. "Jasper, you have to come back to the house! Garrett just found out he's gonna have a baby!"

"Umm, what?" Jazz laughs puzzled.

"Nevermind, I'll explain it on the way!" I huff, grabbing his hand and dragging him through the woods with me.

Well, I bet you weren't expecting that!


	9. Smurf is NOT a Race!

**AN: All kinds of fuckery in this chapter, so...ya welcome.**

 **I should probably throw it out there that I don't own Twilight, Disney, or The Smurfs, just in case you blacked out for the last decade or so.**

* * *

 **Chapter Nine: Smurf Is** _ **Not**_ **a Race!**

Okay, hi people!

Guess what? There is no recap this time. Because I am starting right where we left off last chapter. After all, there is some exciting shit happening right now! You wouldn't want to miss anything, right?

Okay, so, I explain to Jasper as we run through the woods all about how I found out that Jess is preggo by Mike Newton and right after that, I boned Garrett, and that when I brought him back to the house, he turned out to be Jess' mate, and is now freaking out about becoming a father. Once Jazz is all caught up, he starts laughing.

"What is with your odds, Bella? Ya do realize, out of the five people you've had sex with so far, two have found their mates right after? If that happens with the next person you bone, yer odds will be straight up fifty-fifty." He grins.

"That's probably a good thing, Jasper. If Carlisle and Garrett _hadn't_ found their mates, I likely would have kept fucking them too. Then you'd be sharing me with three other men instead of one and The Jasper Express to Pleasure Town would be sadly underutilized." I remind him.

"True." He chuckles as we arrive back at the house.

Jessica comes running outside. "I didn't think vampires needed to breathe but he's in there hyperventilating!" She worriedly exclaims. "He keeps saying 'What the hell am I gonna do? I _ate_ my last kid!' and now _I'm_ panicking too!"

 _Wait…what?_

"Shit. I didn't think of that." Jasper sighs. Clearly, I am missing something here?

Jazz sends out a wave of calm that hits everyone in the area. Then we walk inside with Jessica leading the way. When we see Garrett, he is curled up awkwardly in the fetal position, lying on the floor, sucking his thumb.

It's odd to see a centuries-old, hardened vampire soldier having a complete mental breakdown and regressing to a childlike state. It's even more concerning when you happen to have just finished screwing said vampire, in my case. Or when you happen to be that vampire's mate, in Jessica's case.

"Garrett," Jasper says softly, continuing to send calming waves to him. "You were a newborn back then. Ya didn't know any better. An' ya didn't have anyone ta help ya. I promise we're not gonna let you eat this one, okay?"

It seems to be working. Garrett has stopped sucking his thumb and is staring intently at Jasper as if whatever Jasper's next words are will be the secret to the meaning of life or some such other philosophical bullshit.

"Instead of focusin' on all that could go wrong, why not focus on the fact that ya just found yer mate? Jessica is really scared right now 'cause you're actin' like a moron. So I suggest you locate yer balls, Soldier, and comfort yer mate." Jasper insists in his commanding military voice. It's the same voice he uses to drench my panties when he decides to dominate me in the bedroom. Me likey that voice, _very_ much.

"Sir, yes, Sir!" Garrett salutes, rising abruptly to stand at attention.

"Attaboy." Jasper nods patting him on the back.

Garrett walks over to Jessica and takes her hands in his. I can tell it is going to be an emotional moment as he begins to tell his story. Reader, be warned, the following subject matter is not meant to be funny. Unlike most of this shit.

"I'm sorry I scared you, Babe. When I was a newly turned vampire, it took me a while to recover my human memories. But once they started coming back to me and I remembered where I'd lived as a human, I naturally wanted to go home. It never occurred to me that it wasn't safe to do so.

"When I arrived, my young son was playing out in the yard and without even thinking, I drained him in the haze of my bloodlust. It wasn't until my wife came out and saw what I had done that I realized what had happened. I drained her too, just so I didn't have to look at the disgust on her face anymore.

"Then I buried them both and began going from battle to battle for the next century or two so that I could make sure I fed on fully grown men. Soldiers, on the enemy side. Men with blood on their own hands. Not innocent women and children," he tells her gently.

Jessica hugs him tightly. "Well, this time around, it's actually _me_ we will need to worry about. I'm going to be turned as soon as the baby is born. So I need you to let go of the past and be there for our child for as long as I am still a danger to her."

Garrett smiles brightly. "We're having a girl?!"

"Yep. And, as long as you don't object...I had planned on naming her Annabeth?" Jess suggests hopefully.

Garrett looks like he would cry if he could. "Beth was my sister's name. And Anna was my mother's name. It's absolutely perfect!"

Jess breathes a sigh of relief. "So...you're not actually upset that I'm pregnant?"

"No. Not at all. It's actually a blessing. Vampires can't have children. So this way I don't have to feel like I'm robbing you of that experience." He beams, leaning down to kiss her.

She looks like a deer caught in the headlights and Jasper raises an eyebrow at her emotions, but as she begins to kiss Garrett, her expression morphs to one of relief. "Oh thank God!" She exhales, breaking the kiss. "I was really worried you were gonna taste like vag!" Jess admits.

I can't help it, I burst out laughing.

"Umm, _what_?" Garrett asks, clearly puzzled.

"Well yeah, you just had sex with Bella, right?" Jess confirms, not really seeming too upset about it.

"Umm yeah. I'm sorry, Babe. I didn't know you were my mate then...or that you even existed." He frowns.

"I know," she says, waving her hand dismissively. "That's why I'm not mad. But...didn't you go down on her?"

"Uh, no. She sucked me off and then we just had sex." He shrugs.

Jessica's brow furrows. "Are you...a selfish lover, Garrett? Because you've had _hundreds_ of years to learn to pleasure a woman, so I seriously hope _I_ don't have to teach you?"

"What? No, I...at least…I don't _think_ I am?" he worries.

"To be fair, I never asked him to, Jess. In fact, I've never actually asked _anyone_ for that. And the only ones who've done it without being asked were Jasper and Emmett. And I've had sex with them more than once so it was bound to happen eventually," I intervene.

"Hey, _I_ did it the _very first_ time though, remember?" Em pouts, as he and Rose arrive back from their movie in the middle of this gong show.

"Yes, Em, I remember," I assure him.

"I didn't. Not the first time anyway." Jasper shrugs. "But I tend to rely a little too heavily on my gift fer that stuff, I suppose."

"Geez, Jasper, you say that like it's a bad thing." I wink.

"Well, please let the record show that _I_ consider cunnilingus a necessary requirement of _all_ sexual encounters, Garrett, if they are to be enjoyable," Jessica advises him.

"Here here!" Rosalie concurs with an enthusiastic fist pump.

"Okay, well, as much as I would love to stick around and listen to everyone giving Garrett sex advice, I actually something pressing I need to handle," I state, thrilled to have a legitimate excuse to get out of this awkward conversation.

"If I'm not back in a few hours, assume I'm being eaten by the wolves." I shrug nonchalantly.

"Do you mean in the cunnilingus way? Because the wolves don't actually _eat_ vampires, they just kill them." Emmett smirks.

"I mean...I _was_ being facetious, but that's not a bad idea, actually. Maybe one of them could be my mate," I ponder.

"Geez, I hope not. They smell _awful_ , Bella." Rose shudders in disgust.

"They do? What do they smell like?" I wonder.

"Rancid wet dog." She grimaces.

"Oh. That doesn't sound pleasant," I admit. "Well, hopefully, I won't actually run into any. I'm gonna call the Blacks' house and see if I can get Billy's permission to go over there to visit Jake. I want him to hear about me from me, not from anyone else. And since the tribe already knows about us, I'm hoping it's not a violation of the Volturi law to tell him that I un-died."

"Okay, well, just be careful, Bella. It's startin' to seem like Alice can't see the wolves at all in her visions. So if one of 'em were to hurt ya, she might not get a vision of it." Jasper frowns.

"For sure I will be," I promise. "And I'll have my phone with me the whole time."

"Good Girl. Be safe." He nods and kisses me goodbye. I grab my wallet, cell phone, and keys, then I head out the door.

* * *

"Billy? Hi, it's Bella," I say into the phone, sitting in my truck, parked on our side of the treaty line.

" _Bella? Hi Sweetie! I was so upset to hear about what happened to you! In fact, I was kind of in a blind rage about it. But I talked to your dad and he kindly advised me to take the stick out of my ass and said that I was being a bigot. Which is the last thing I would ever want to be, of course. It just never occurred to me that vampires could be people too. Our tribe has always been taught to think of them as evil._

" _Of course, it's pretty hard to still see things that way when your best friend becomes one. Don't get me wrong, I tried really hard to picture my life without Charlie in it when he told me. But I decided it would be like living without beer. Empty and devoid of all joy,"_ Billy informs me.

"Well, Billy, I'm glad you feel that way now. Because I was hoping you'd let me come by and see Jacob? I really think he deserves to hear about this from me, don't you?" I reason, hoping he agrees.

" _That should be fine, Bella. Yeah, I think so. Your dad said your control is pretty amazing for a young vampire. And he said you didn't try to eat him or your mom or Phil, so I think it's pretty safe for you to be over here. I'll call Sam and let him know you have my permission. Just remember, if you try to eat anybody, I have to kick you out, okay, Kiddo?"_ He warns sternly.

"Of course. Thanks, Billy. Do I need an escort?" I confirm.

" _Not a formal one, no. But the wolves will still probably want to keep an eye on you, alright?"_ he advises.

"Yeah, no problem," I agree. "Will you please text me once you get ahold of Sam? I don't want to cross the line until I know it's okay with the wolves."

" _Sure thing, Bella. Better safe than sorry,"_ Billy says.

And unlike all the rude people in television and movies who hang up from a phone conversation without saying goodbye _like_ _assholes_ , I say:

"Thanks, Billy, bye for now!" And then I _wait for him to say_ :

"No problem, Bella. See you soon!" Because we are _civilized_ people, not Hollywood douchebags.

* * *

After getting the all-clear, I head to the little red house where Jacob and Billy live. The area smells vaguely of wet dog, but not strongly so the wolves must be keeping a respectful distance.

I find Jake waiting for me out front when I pull up. I'm wearing sunglasses, even though it's overcast, so that he doesn't see my eyes right away and I have my hair in a braid, so he can't see how flawless it is now.

As I get out of the truck, he beams and heads toward me. "My dad said you had something important to talk to me about, and that you would probably want privacy? That's why I didn't wait for you in the house."

"Yeah, Jake, I do." I nod, putting my hand out to stop him so he doesn't come any closer until I say what I need to.

"Okay...what is this about, Bella? And what's up with the shades? Are you on drugs? Did somebody give you a black eye? You're freaking me out," he worries.

"It's nothing like that. Jake...I need you to keep an open mind, okay?" I begin.

"Okaaay...did you get an eyebrow ring or something?" He laughs nervously.

"No, but I'm going to tell you now, so you can stop guessing." I chuckle.

"Your voice is different…" he states, clearly not having any guesses for that one. "And your skin looks flawless."

"Thank you. Now shut up and listen, please." I roll my eyes. "Do you remember on First Beach when I asked you about the legends and you told me about the Cold Ones and about how the Quileute are descended from wolves?"

"Yeah, but that was just a legend, Bella," Jake frowns, his brow furrowing.

"No, Jake. The only part of it that wasn't true was the part about the Cold Ones being evil. The Cold Ones _are_ vampires but they're _not_ evil. I need you to understand that part before I explain anything else," I plead gently.

"Okay, sure, sure. They're not evil. Are you gonna try to convince me the Cullens are vampires now? Because my dad already tried that and I told him it was ridiculous." Jake grins.

I sigh and take off my sunglasses. I take my hair out of its braid and shake it out for him to see as it falls in perfect waves with natural highlights I never had before. Jake gasps, his heart rate slightly increasing. Probably his natural fear kicking in.

"No, I'm not going to try to convince you of _anything_. Because you can see with your own eyes. Vampires are real, Jacob Black. Which I know. Because I am one."

"Holy fuck, Bella! You're _gorgeous!_ Er...I mean...you were _always_ gorgeous, of course, but before you were gorgeous like a model. Whereas now you're gorgeous like a _super_ model!" He tells me, his tongue practically hanging out of his head.

Ohhkay...not the reaction I was expecting, but hey, that's okay. Even better, right?

"So...you don't...like...hate me, now?" I confirm.

"No! Why would I ever hate you for becoming hotter?" He smirks.

"Uhh, you did hear the 'vampire' part, right, Jake?" I question, starting to think he may have blocked out that part.

"Well, yeah, duh. But we've been standing here for like five minutes and you haven't tried to eat me or even take a nibble. So you're obviously not the bloodthirsty predator the legends describe. And if the Cullens are vampires...well, from everything I hear in town, Dr. Cullen is an amazing Doctor who saves lives all the time. So if that's true, then I don't have any reason to hate you for becoming like them." He smiles, stepping closer to hug me. "I trust you, Bella. Always."

I wrap my arms carefully around Jake, making sure I don't hurt him. "Wow, Jake, thank you. You have no idea how much it means to hear you say that." I sigh with relief, enjoying the warmth of his embrace.

"I do have one question though, and I doubt I'm gonna like the answer," he says nervously.

"What is it?" I worry taking a step back.

"Well...assuming that vampires are immortal...if you changed for Edward, does that mean you've decided to be with him forever?" he asks, biting his lip.

"Oh, my sweet, naïve Jacob." I grin. "I broke up with Edward aka Stupid, Stupid, Stupid, the moment I became a vampire because I realized he wasn't my mate."

"You did?!" He exclaims cheerfully, looking like I just made his day.

"Yep, I'm a free agent. Until I find my mate, that is. So far no luck on that front though." I shrug.

"Do you think...well, that there might be even a chance it could be me, or does it have to be a vampire?" He asks shyly, which is sort of adorable, I have to say.

"I actually don't know if it has to be a vampire. But it wouldn't hurt to try," I admit.

"Okay." He nods enthusiastically, "how do we find out?"

"Well...the _easiest_ way to be sure is probably to have sex and see how we feel after, which is what I've been doing whenever I meet a single male vampire. But...I know you have a crush on me and I don't want to do anything that could hurt you or cause problems for our friendship in the long run. So, maybe we shouldn't?" I suggest.

"Oh. Well, I would really hate to run the risk that we could be mates and never even know it because you didn't think I was mature enough to handle it, Bells." He sighs. "I promise if it turns out we're not soulmates, then I won't make it weird, okay?"

"Really? Even when I go back to having sex with Jasper and Emmett?" I confirm.

"You've been having sex with them? Like regularly? I thought you just meant you tried it once to find your mate? Does that mean, even if it turns out I'm not your mate, you might keep having sex with me?" He asks eagerly.

"No promises. I'm already juggling two guys, I don't really know how many more I can add before I start dropping balls, no pun intended." Ahh, who am I kidding here? Yes, that pun was intended.

"Sure, sure, we'll play it by ear." He nods. "Now can I take you to my room before you have a chance to change your mind?"

"Yes, Jake. Lead the way." I nod, as he takes me by the hand and leads me inside. I never noticed how warm he is until today. I guess it's because I'm so cold now as a vampire.

* * *

Once we are inside Jacob's room with the door locked, he steps into my arms without preamble and kisses me deeply. The kiss is inexperienced but not bad, just a little clumsy but that's okay.

He may not be my first, but he _is_ my first virgin, and I have to admit I'm kind of looking forward to being the experienced one for a change. I take my shirt off, not wanting to lose any momentum.

He follows suit, taking his own shirt off and when our bodies connect as we resume kissing, it feels like fire and ice. He's red hot and I'm ice cold and it's fucking electric, it feels like heaven and hellfire all at once.

I unbuckle his pants, allowing them to drop to the floor as he helps me out of my jeans and when I look down, I realize his boxers have pictures of Smurfette all over them.

"Really, Jake?" I giggle.

"What? She's hot!" he defends.

"She's _blue!_ " I laugh.

"Hey! That's racist, Bella!" Jake huffs.

"Smurf is not a race, Jake," I insist. "There isn't anyone on the planet who when asked for their ethnicity on a survey says: Smurf."

"There isn't anyone on the planet who when asked for their ethnicity says 'vampire', either, Bella. But that doesn't make _you_ any less real." He smirks.

"Touché." I laugh. "Can I take them off though? She's creeping me out."

"What's the matter, Bella? Don't like thinking about cartoons during sex?"

"What the fuck?! Who told you? That was an accident! _All four times_. It wasn't my fault, I swear!" I huff.

"Umm, whoa. I was _kidding_! But hey, if you do have some kind of cartoon fetish, I think I can work with that. I'm pretty open-minded," he teases with a wink.

"Just shut up and kiss me." I laugh, rolling my eyes at him.

"Yes, Ma'am." He nods emphatically and does just that.

The stupid smurfs hit the floor and so do my little camouflage boy shorts and matching lace bra (can you guess which of my lovers picked out _those_ this morning, hmm?). Once we are skin-to-skin, I swear Jacob feels impossibly warmer than he did at the start. It's like he is burning my cold flesh with his heat.

The sensation is entirely too much and I need to know what it feels like to have that warmth inside of me. So I push him back on the bed and climb on top of him. "You sure, Jake?" I confirm. "You only get one first time," I remind him.

"I am most definitely sure, Bells. I want my first time to be you." He nods.

And that's all the consent I need. I plunge down on his eager length and oh. my. fuck. yes!

That warmth feels even better inside than it does outside. I could practically cum just from the sensation alone. Jake hisses.

"Wow! It's like sticking my dick in an igloo." He grins. "In a really, really good way!" he quickly assures me.

"Whatever, just don't go soft on me." I shrug.

"I'll do my best but it's really cold," he worries.

But apparently, he doesn't have anything to worry about because oddly, his appendage seems to be growing instead of shrinking.

"Umm...Jake…what's up with the Pinocchio dick?" I ask. _Dammit! Disney reference number five!_

"Huh?" He groans.

"I'm pretty sure your cock just had a growth spurt." I laugh, and then I really look at him. "Actually...your _entire body_ just had a growth spurt. Like a visible one. Like you look like you just aged like ten years!" I worry, all laughter leaving my voice.

He starts shaking and at first, I think he's shivering because I'm so cold and then I worry he's having a seizure. And then…

...he explodes. And I do _not_ mean ejaculates!

* * *

 **AN: Welp...I did it. I broke the unwritten rule! Don't worry if you're not into the whole furry thing. Neither am I so there will definitely be a time skip!**


	10. Sleeping Beauty and the Skittish Prince

**AN: No animals were harmed in the making of this chapter**

* * *

 **Chapter Ten: Sleeping Beauty and the Skittish Prince**

Okay hi, People! So I don't want to traumatize you too much...so I'm not actually gonna go over the whole Jake-turning-into-a-wolf-in-the-middle-of-sex fiasco in graphic detail or anything, but let's just say _I'm_ gonna need therapy.

A _lot_ of therapy.

Does anyone out there know any good vampire therapists?

No? Huh, too bad for me.

And the worst part? We sorta got _stuck_ _together_ for a bit. So it took waaay longer to end the sex than it should have. I ended up having to call Billy in to come help and then he had to call Sam and get him to Alpha order Jake to phase back because he was in shock and couldn't figure out how to do so on his own.

Which, based on what I knew about the wolves, probably meant that the wolf pack would forevermore be able to see the whole entire incident through their collective consciousness. _Great_.

Thankfully, Sam's Alpha order to phase back worked. So as soon as Jake was human again, I was able to detach myself from him and bolt to the other side of the room, where I am now very quickly getting dressed and wishing I could scrub the last half hour from my brain.

"I'm a freaking werewolf, Bells!" Jake states, clearly sounding unsure whether to be excited or upset about it.

 _Sure, sure, because_ that's _the important part here, Jake, your new supernatural status! Not, oh...say...how about...the fact that you...TRAUMATIZED ME WITH YOUR GIANT WOLF DICK!_

"That's cool. I'm...gonna go…" I say trying to conceal my emotions while backing toward the door.

"Oh, okay. Sure, sure. No, I get it. I'm sorry things got so messed up. But hey, thanks for giving me a shot Bells. I'm sorry I couldn't be your mate. Apparently, wolves don't even _have_ mates, we have Imprints, which I think is the same but different? Okay, talk to you later!" Jacob waves as he realizes that I am actually leaving. As in immediately. I just can't stand to be here anymore.

* * *

When I get back home, I realize that in my urgency to get away from Jacob, I forgot my fucking truck over there because I ran all the way home on foot instead of driving! (And yes, teenage girls also curse when they are totally mortified and disturbed, by the way.)

I guess I can send my dad to go get it later since he's probably still allowed on the Rez and it will be much less awkward than going back over there myself.

So, I make the decision to ask him later and I head inside. Things surprisingly look a lot the same as they did when I left, except that instead of giving Garrett advice about cunnilingus, they have apparently moved on to giving him advice about the g-spot. Great. Just what I need to hear in my current mortified state.

"Jasper? I need you to help me take a nap," I plead, hoping he won't ask _why_.

"Yeah, no problem." He nods, following me to my room.

"Things went horribly at Jake's, didn't they?" He asks me, as I lie down on the bed. _Oh yeah, I guess I can't hide my feelings from an Empath, oops!_

"Let's just say, it is a very, _very_ bad idea for a _vampire_ to have sex with a hot-blooded young Quileute, and that I probably should have asked ahead of time what the warning signs are for the whole turning into a giant wolf thing." I cringe.

"Geez, Bella, I'm so sorry. I should've realized it was a bad idea for ya ta go over there. I dunno what I was thinkin'." He sighs, hitting me with waves of calm and love and relaxation.

"It's my own fault, Jasper. I'm the one who messed up my friendship with Jake by trying to have my cake and eat it too. I dunno how I can ever look at him the same again." I shudder, my mind flashing back to what I think I'm gonna refer to as the Traumatic Furry Incident or the TFI from here on out.

"Just remember, Bella, he isn't _actually_ an animal. Even when he takes the shape of one, he's still a man. I know, 'cause I can feel the pack's emotions when they are nearby. I can't feel the emotions o' animals. Thankfully, otherwise, there'd be no point in the animal diet for me," he assures me, beginning to add lethargy to the emotional cocktail he is dosing me with.

"Yeah, well, let's just say Beauty and the Beast was never my favorite fairytale." I laugh bitterly, rolling my eyes at the absurdity of the day I've had today.

First, I saw my mother naked this morning when she announced her engagement to Carlisle. Then, I watched Phil snack on one of my good friends. Then, I had sex with Jessica's mate without realizing it. And after that I watched him regress to the state of a baby. Then she lectured him for not going down on me, which was hella awkward. Then, I left to go to Jake's and the TFI happened.

"Can you render me unconscious for like a few weeks?"I plead with Jasper.

He laughs sympathetically. "Sorry, Bella. The most I can do is a few hours. We have two newborn vampires in the same house as a pregnant human right now, an' a third newborn due ta wake up in two days. I'm not even countin' you and Renée in that number 'cause of yer control, but y'all are still newborns in other ways.

"Not ta mention, I don't have ta be a Seer ta know that there is a big storm brewin'." He sighs.

"Storm? What kind of storm?" I ask with a yawn.

"I'll give you a hint...what do you get when you cross a pixie control-freak party planner with an emotionally volatile bridezilla?" He whispers with a shit-eating smirk.

"Oh fuck! Alice and Renée!" I gasp, just realizing what kind of trouble is headed our way.

My mom might be a spaz, but she is no pushover. When she gets an idea in her head, no one can talk her out of it. And Alice is very much used to getting her own way. The thought of the two of them sitting down together trying to plan Renée's wedding is more horrifying than the TFI. And poor Carlisle and my dad will be stuck smack dab in the middle of it!

Come to think of it, so will I, since Alice, as my best friend and Renée, as my mother, will _both_ be expecting me to take their side every time they disagree. And my mom is probably going to expect me to be her maid-of-honor again like I was when she married Phil.

"Jasper. Please knock me out now, I'm gonna need the rest while I can get it!" I state anxiously.

He chuckles, hitting me with a huge dose of lethargy and exhaustion. "Sure thing, Sleeping Beauty. Have a nice rest."

* * *

Man, I had no idea how much I needed that!

I "wake up" from my "nappy time" several hours later and fling myself into Jasper's arms sending him my gratitude.

"You have no idea how much better I feel now, Jasper, thank you, so much!" I beam and then roll my eyes at myself. "Oh wait, I guess you know _exactly_ how much better I feel, don't you?" I laugh.

"Yes, I do. And I'm really glad 'cause we need ta be ready fer Angela to wake up soon, so we'd better go hunt in the meantime," he suggests.

"Good idea!" I agree, taking him by the hand and running through my open balcony door into the forest.

After we each find a juice box (his being cougar flavored and mine being Bambi flavored), I give him my best come-hither look. "Really? I didn't think you'd wanna do the sexuals after ya got traumatized yesterday…" he says, seeming slightly puzzled.

"Well, I thought about it while we were hunting, and for one thing, I'd kind of like to have something more recent to think about when it comes to sex than the big bad wolf. Like when you get a bad taste in your mouth and it makes you want to brush your teeth because toothpaste is much better. Be my toothpaste, Jasper?" I pout adorably if I do say so myself.

"Gladly." He chuckles, stepping into my arms.

"Besides, it's like falling off a bike, right? If you don't get back on right away, you never will." I shrug. (I was gonna say horse, but I think I will be very careful not to use any analogies involving animals for a while. Or possibly ever.)

"I see yer point. Now I'm gonna kiss ya." He grins sexily.

"Please do." I nod eagerly. Annnnd he does. Annnnd it's glorious.

* * *

I won't bore you with another sex scene of me and Jasper right now. Because trust me when I say that I don't plan on giving him up anytime soon (unless I find my mate, ha!) so I'm sure you will have plenty of opportunities to peep in on our love life, you pervert! Just kidding! I like reading about that stuff too. Although, it's definitely more fun writing it. And even more fun still experiencing it.

Which is why, when Jasper and I finish our long, luscious lovemaking session after our hunt (which is definitely what it is...lovemaking. We're not just fucking anymore nowadays. I'm officially in love with Jasper, oops!) I find that I am in a much better mood than I was beforehand. "Thank you, Jasper." I beam softly as we start getting dressed again to head back to the house.

"I should be the one thankin' you, Bella. I love our time together, I really treasure it." He smiles, kissing the top of my head as we embrace, savoring the moment.

That is when we hear a noise in the trees quite a way off, coming from the direction of Forks. As the noise gets closer it is identifiable as the sound of someone running. We soon realize the sound is also accompanied by the scent of an unknown male vampire. A red-eyed nomad appears in front of us. Jasper doesn't tense as much as I would have expected or position himself in front of me. So he either knows this man or has determined via his emotions that he isn't a threat.

The man is handsome, in spite of his rugged, unkempt nature and his apparent wariness of us. His long blonde hair hangs lifelessly around his face but not in an unattractive way. It is as if he has spent his existence trying desperately _not_ to be beautiful and failing at every attempt. His beauty shines through in spite of his efforts to disguise it.

"Pardon me for the intrusion, but I've come west in search of an old friend. My only friend really. I typically hate people. Anyway, I smelled his scent in town, but it seemed to be heading this way. Do you happen to be acquainted with Carlisle Cullen?" The man asks us in a sexy British accent that nearly causes my panties to melt just listening to him.

"Very well acquainted yes, we're family to Carlisle. Judging by the accent and everythin' you've said 'bout yerself, I'd wager a guess you must be Alistair?" The man nods cautiously. "I'm Jasper and this is Bella. We were just about to head back to the house where we live with Carlisle and the rest of our family. We can escort you there if you wish? I'm sure Carlisle will be happy to see you." Jasper offers.

"Alright, thank you. I haven't seen Carlisle for a very long time. The last time was in 1912. I didn't know he had acquired a coven. Let alone a large one. I won't stay very long," he states tensely as we begin heading in the direction of home. "There were a great many scents in the area. _How many_ are you?"

Jasper is silent for a moment and seems to be assessing this Alistair guy before he answers. "We were a coven of seven for the last several decades. My friend Alice and I were the last to join in the 1940s. Carlisle's first companion, Edward, was turned in 1918. Bella joined us in March of this year and her three parents have joined us since then, seeing as all three of them have mates in our coven. Bella herself is still looking for her own mate, though.

"Her stepfather is not a very controlled newborn. He tried to eat a local human who happened to be a friend of Bella's. So, the girl is currently undergoing her change at the house. She should be waking up in a few hours. But her other friend who was with her at the time turned out to be the mate of our friend Garrett who is in town visiting, so she will be changed eventually as well. But she is pregnant now, so it won't be until after she gives birth." Jasper explains.

Alistair stops running. " _Garrett_ is staying with you? As in the same Garrett who hates the British?" he confirms raising an eyebrow.

"He'll behave, Alistair. Ya needn't worry. Garrett has a great deal of respect fer Carlisle and myself. He wouldn't start anythin' with ya," Jasper vows. "Besides, he just found out his mate is a pregnant human girl. He's pretty distracted anyway."

Alistair nods and begins walking again, albeit much more slowly than before. "I must admit there are parts of what you say that confound me though. Carlisle spent centuries on his own. What made him decide to start building a coven? And such a large one at that. Your eyes are tawny, so I take it he has converted you to his diet? He tried that with me once, but I wasn't interested. I like being a true predator. And unlike Carlisle, I have no desire to mingle with humans.

"I also cannot fathom how this exquisite creature here could have been newly born in March. She is controlled and carries herself as if she were much older than that." He frowns, puzzled.

 _Okay, no. We're gonna nip that shit in the bud right now!_

I interrupt. "Not to be rude, Alistair, since we've only just met, but I would greatly appreciate it if you could refrain from speaking about me as though I were not present, if you please."

Alistair, who I had expected might be angry, seems amused instead. "That was meant to be a compliment, Child. My social skills are...rusty, at best."

"Oh." I smile. "I thought you were being patronizing. In that case, thank you."

"You're quite welcome." He nods as we arrive back at the house.

I really want to bangarang with this guy to see if he's my mate, ya know? But the poor man seems so skittish of people in general, I'm sure if I actually try to hit on him, he'll probably just shriek and go hiding under a rock somewhere.

For once, I have no idea how to approach this. So I decide not to do anything until after I have a chance to talk to Carlisle.

Speaking of whom, Carlisle comes out of the house when we arrive with a huge smile on his face. "Alistair. What a pleasure. It's been far too long old friend." He announces, saying everything in a calm manner, which, I know is partly just his way, but I can tell he is also being cautious not to startle the recluse.

"Carlisle." Alistair nods. "You're building quite the following these days, aren't you? One might almost think there was a bid for power afoot if he did not know what a pacifist you are."

Carlisle smiles, seemingly unconcerned. "Not for power, My Friend. For companionship. I spent quite a long time lonely, as you know. Until...in 1918, in Chicago, a seventeen-year-old boy lay dying of Spanish Influenza. And his mother, who had intuited that I was something more than an ordinary man, begged me on her deathbed to save her son.

"Something about her request struck a chord with me. It occurred to me then, that I had been a physician much longer than other men and yet I had never used that one thing which made me unique in order to save a life. And so, out of my loneliness but also from a desire to do good, I turned the boy, Edward.

"Ever since then, when I have come across someone in the prime of their youth who ought not to be dying, and for whom there is no medical cure, and to whom I have felt drawn, I have turned them. And for a long time, that remained my criteria for siring a newborn. Recently, however, circumstances have caused our family to grow for other reasons." Carlisle beams.

He begins to explain how I came into the family, as Stupid, Stupid, Stupid's singer, pet, and plaything, (my words, not his). He then explains how Charlie, Renée, and Phil each came to be changed and for whom. Carlisle introduces them each in turn (since most of the family have gradually filtered out of the house to see what's going on, by now) and then he elaborates on what Jasper already told Alistair about Ang and Jess.

I have to admit to tuning out during the whole explanation. Partly because I am finding it super boring and partly because my brain is still plotting ways to seduce Alistair. Though, I am considering that in spite of his extraordinary beauty, he might not make the best mate, since I don't think I want to live in a cave or under a bridge for the rest of my vampiric life.

But I owe it to myself (and to him as well, really,) to make sure. So I definitely still need to get it in.

"Well, as I told Jasper and Bella on the way in, I surely won't take up much of your time. I can see you have a lot on your plate, Carlisle, but I wanted to track you down just to say hello since it has been a while." Alistair smiles slightly.

"Yes, I think 1912 was the last time, wasn't it?" Carlisle grins. "You should at least stay long enough to indulge in some local hospitality. I know that Bella here would love to show you around, wouldn't you, Sweetheart?"

 _Bless your heart, Carlisle!_ He totally just gave me that opening intentionally. I'll have to thank him later.

"Yeah, definitely." I nod, looping my arm with Alistair's as we walk in the direction of town. He thinks we're going sightseeing, but the only sight I want to see is his sexy, naked, sparkly body.

He seems reluctant to go too far from the house with me alone and stops in a copse of trees, turning to face me before we are even out of earshot of the house.

"What exactly is going on here?" He questions, looking around nervously.

"Okay, paranoid much?" I laugh lightly. "I am a horny newborn who has been trying to find my mate via sex. I plan on leaving no stone unturned. Carlisle knows this and was trying to throw me a bone."

"Oh. You wish to engage in the carnal act with me?" he confirms.

"Yep. If you're open to it?" I inquire.

He thinks for a moment and seems to be assessing me. "Yes, you shall do quite nicely. I have not indulged in sexual relations for a great many decades."

"Oh good. I'm glad I meet your approval." I laugh, stepping into his arms.

"You do indeed. For a newborn, you are quite spectacular, in fact." He smiles, taking my shirt off.

I smirk, brushing his long hair off of his face. "Thanks. For a nomad, you are quite beautiful."

He wraps one arm around my back and pulls me close, kissing me desperately. I guess decades of sexual tension might leave a person feeling pretty desperate, yeah.

I remove his jacket and shirt, taking a moment to appreciate his toned, though not bulky, muscular chest.

"Like what you see?" he asks softly gazing into my eyes as if seeking approval.

"Most definitely," I assure him with a nod and begin unfastening his belt while he does the same with my bra. Once he has it off, I feel his hands as they begin exploring my chest almost worshipfully. He obviously hasn't seen a woman's breasts in a long time. "And you?" I ask.

He grins. "Very much so." He nods, removing my pants as well. I get his trousers off and sink down to my knees. "No," he says, pulling me back up. "You cannot do that."

I look at him, puzzled. Then, pouting, I look back down at his cock that he won't let me suck for some odd reason. That's when I see it. A silver reattachment scar around the base of his erect shaft.

"Shit!" I wince.

"Now you see why. I once made the mistake of upsetting the wrong woman and she bit it off," he admits quietly.

"Geez! No wonder you're so paranoid! I would be too." I empathize.

He pushes me carefully up against a tree, hoisting me up by the ass so my legs are wrapped around him. "I don't like to talk about it." He frowns, thrusting deep inside of me with no preamble.

"I understand." I nod, making a motion of zipping my lips.

His brow furrows. "Is your mouth itchy or something?"

I chuckle lightly. "No, it's a symbolic gesture. It means I am zipping up my lips and throwing away the key. In other words, I won't talk about it anymore."

He pauses, seeming to think about it for a moment. "That makes no sense. Zippers do not have locks. Otherwise, I would have needed a key to get into your pants."

Now see here is the part where I wish he actually was my mate. Because then I could say something like: " _You have one, Baby. The key to my heart."_ Instead, I just laugh.

"How about instead of analyzing modern figures of speech, you just fuck me, please?" I suggest, turning our attention back to the task at hand.

"Yes, Milady." He smirks, inserting himself into my eager warmth once more with a groan.

What follows is a passionate, vigorous, albeit brief encounter that I truly enjoy. He even manages to get me off before he succumbs which Is some pretty impressive endurance after a decades-long dry spell. He must jerk off a lot.

Anyway, just as I feel him ejaculate within me, I hear the sound of someone running toward us and I find myself airborne, slamming into a nearby tree at full force, which knocks the tree over on top of me. Once I pry myself loose, I turn to face my attacker to find out who it is. I don't really recognize the scent.

When I finally get all the tree branches out of my hair and can actually see, what I see are two blazing red eyes staring back at me. It takes me a moment before I realize the eyes are Angela's.

"Angela, no!" I hear Jasper call, coming up cautiously behind her as we are all hit with a wave of calm. "Bella is a friend, remember? You can't attack her," he states gently.

"Mine!" She hisses, pointing at Alistair.

 _Oh, fuck! What have I done?_

She lunges at me and I assume the defensive position Jasper taught me, but he hits her with a wave of something that stops her mid lunge and has her curled up on the forest floor whimpering.

"Stop! What are you doing to her?!" Alistair cries out, trying to shield Angela bodily from Jasper since it is obvious he's using his gift on her.

"I'm not usin' pain, Alistair, just guilt. I'm an Empath. My gift is to feel others' emotions and project them. The guilt I hit her with is yours and Bella's. See, Angela? They feel awful. They didn't know they were doin' anythin' wrong. No one knew he was yers." Jasper comforts, replacing the guilt with something more soothing.

"You weren't trying to steal him?" Angela whispers, looking skeptically up at me.

"No. I'm just trying to find my own mate. If I'd known Alistair was yours, I wouldn't have touched him, I promise." I assure with my hands in the air in a peaceful gesture. I begin getting dressed.

"I'm really sorry, Angela. My timing just totally sucks. The same thing happened with Garrett before I knew he was Jessica's. And with Carlisle, before I knew he was my mom's. I think I'm gonna have to start taking around the men I find and introducing them to all the other women I know first. Just to make sure they don't belong to anyone before I try them out." I sigh, shaking my head.

Angela frowns. "It's okay, Bella. I remember you. I know you were always nice to me. I believe you that you didn't mean to hurt me. But now, if you'll both excuse us, I need to have sex with my mate and get Bella's scent off of him before it makes me go feral again. And then I need to hunt."

"Alright, but Alistair can't take ya to hunt if ya wanna hunt animals. He's a human drinker," Jasper explains.

"Oh. You are?" Angela whispers, her face falling. "I don't want to do that. I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt people." She sobs. "Will you let Jasper or Bella take me to hunt after?" She pleads.

"Does it upset you, Love, that I drink from humans?" Alistair asks her gently.

Angela nods with a whimper.

"Then perhaps Carlisle's clan can teach us _both_ to hunt animals?" Alistair suggests.

Angela gasps, her eyes filling with hope. She really looks like a little girl in an anime with those big watery eyes. Especially now that she doesn't have to wear glasses anymore. "You would change your diet for me?" She asks cautiously.

"Of course, My Mate. I would do _anything_ for you," he vows.

And I'm pretty sure, based on the look in Angela's excited eyes, those words are gonna pave the way for the beginning of a brand new Alistair.

* * *

 **AN: There you have it, Ladies and Gents. I guess you really** _ **can**_ **teach an old dog new tricks after all. (Well, at least if he is your mate and you happen to have anime eyes.) Oh right, no animal analogies, I forgot! ;-***


	11. Dating Apps For Vampires

**Chapter Eleven: Dating Apps For Vampires**

Okay, so let me do a little recap for you here, since it's been a while.

Angela became our newest uber-emotional little newborn, which you saw. And because she wants to stick to an animal diet, she and Alistair have decided to stay with us.

Jess and Garrett are staying too since neither of them has any idea how to be parents without accidentally eating their child or messing it up in some other traumatic way like forgetting to feed it or something. I mean, nomads aren't exactly known for living on a schedule. So yeah, they have wisely decided they're going to need a support system.

Of course, Alistair and Garrett don't really get along. Which has been super hilariously awkward because Jess and Ang are friends and their friendship seems to have survived through the hellfires of Angela's transformation? I mean sure, she has tried to eat Jess a few times, but Jess has been surprisingly supportive about it. Probably because she knows that she'll be the one trying to eat people pretty soon.

Also, since Alistair and Garrett are both sticking around, Carlisle has asked them if they will stand up for him as groomsmen. Apparently, Eleazar Denali, who will be arriving soon with the rest of his family, is going to be Carlisle's best-man.

Which means there are six groomsmen in total. And that wouldn't be much of a problem, except for the fact that the bride is Renée. And my mother has never been too great at making and keeping friends (Gee, I wonder why I mean have you _met_ her?). So Renée's side is basically going to be made up of all the women whom Alice coerces into standing up for her.

Renée's one stipulation for the bridal party is that she doesn't want anyone walking in what she calls 'fake pairs'. So, that means each of the groomsmen gets to choose the bridesmaid they'd prefer to walk with. Obviously, Garrett and Alistair have selected their mates for that. And Emmett was discretely informed by Rose that if he _doesn't_ walk with her she is never giving him sex again, so there's that.

Jasper has asked me to walk with him and I am thrilled to oblige him. Thankfully, that also puts me far enough down in Renée's entourage rotation that I'm not going to have to do a lot of crappy prep work. I basically just need to show up and look pretty. Yay!

Can you guess what the biggest issue has been with the whole me-walking-with-Jasper sitch?

Ding, ding, ding, that's correct, People, you guessed it! At least, I think you did. I can't actually hear anything you say from here. But, if you said that Stupid, Stupid, Stupid is back for the wedding and seems to think he still has some sort of claim on me, then you would be correct!

And, of course, the Southern Sex Gods took the liberty of putting him in his place pretty dang quickly as soon as he came back. They assured him that he is in no way allowed to approach me unless it is at my request. As you can probably guess, he's been acting like a petulant toddler about that. But, oh well, we pretty much knew he would throw a hissy fit. At least he is keeping his distance, which I appreciate.

Carlisle has some other friends coming for the wedding as well, so the wedding itself is going to be held in Seattle so that the tribe doesn't have an issue with so many vamps in the area. Apparently, a group of three vamps called the Irish Coven has been invited, along with a few other nomads.

And speaking of the wedding, it's happening in two weeks! Yep, in exactly a fortnight, Carlisle is becoming my step-daddy. Which will make it super funny when I still occasionally flirt with him just to piss Renée off. (It's true, I've almost gotten my head ripped off for it a few times, oops!)

Anyway, the Denalis are arriving today, which I am very excited about. Apparently, no one in their coven is legitimately mated either, so that gives me yet another sexy slice of yummy man meat to sample! And yes, I already know Eleazar is sexy because I've started asking for pictures of all the male vamps my family is acquainted with. It's nice to know what you're getting beforehand, you know? In fact, I'm starting to think maybe they _should_ make a dating app for vampires. I mean, there's an app for everything else, so why not?

But I digress, so let's high-tail it back to the present where I am currently out at the waterfall with Emmett since Rose finally loosened her death grip on him for the day because her friends are arriving. Apparently Rose is super close with the succubi sisters.

"What time do we have to be back at the house?" I ask Em since I don't have a watch. Or a calendar yet, because hey, one thing at a time here, People. And even if I did have those things, I probably would not bring them with me to have sex in a waterfall, I mean sheesh!

But, Bella, why don't you just use the ones on your cell phone? Wouldn't that be the easiest thing?

It would! Except for one glaring problem with that…

As a newborn, (or a preschooler, or whatever we're calling me these days) I tend to be a bit impulsive. This means, whenever my mother sends me an annoying text, or Stupid, Stupid, Stupid does, or anyone else for that matter, I tend to throw my cell phone. I've wrecked four that way. So I've put myself on electronic device probation for the time being. At least until I get a better handle on my intense vampiric emotions.

So, for now, I have to rely on old-school methods of time management, such as asking Emmett, which I am currently doing. You might be wondering why he hasn't answered me yet, but he happens to be in the middle of kissing a path down my neck and chest, which, me likey. Me likey a lot.

 _Take your time, Em, you can kiss me all day if you want to. These Denali peeps can wait a damn minute, geez. A girl needs to get her freak on when she has the opportunity._

"Their flight gets in at four this afternoon," Em murmurs a few minutes later. "They should be getting to the house around six."

"Do we have to be there right when they arrive?" I pout.

"Not necessarily, but we should try to be home by eight or so," he suggests.

"Cool beans. That gives us a while still, right?" I double-check because as we've established, I have no idea what time it is at present.

"Yep, it's only eleven now," Em confirms, hoisting me closer in his lap to commence round three of our morning love marathon.

I quickly impale myself on his length and begin bouncing in his lap. Soon, I realize he is grinning like a goof and staring at my chest. "Has anyone ever told you that your boobies have the perfect amount of jiggle?" he admires.

"Yes, Em. You have. Several times." I smirk. "I'm glad you like them."

"I like everything about you, Bells. I really wish you were my mate," he pouts adorably.

I sigh, resting my head on his shoulder. "I know, Em. That would have been awesome. I'm sure wherever our mates are though, they're super awesome too." I smile, trying to convince us both.

"Hope so, Sissy." He shrugs.

* * *

Several hours later, after showering under the waterfall, we wander slowly back toward the house. You might wonder why we didn't just wait and shower at home, which would have been a lot more comfortable. Well, for one, vampires don't really worry that much about comfort. But mainly, it probably would have been a lot harder to seduce Eleazar if I showed up smelling like Emmett.

As it stands, we arrive back at the house while Alice is briefing the Denali clan on all the wedding stuff.

It quickly becomes apparent that Tanya must have volunteered herself to save Stupid, Stupid, Stupid from the predicament of not having anyone to walk with. Somehow, Tanya seems to actually have a bit of a crush on him. Apparently, she's into whiny little teenage boys.

But hey, who am I to question her taste? After all, I used to think Stupid, Stupid, Stupid was a decent prospect too. Of course, in hindsight, I think the whole vampire ability to dazzle humans may have been a contributing factor in my temporary insanity there.

Either way, Renée and Alice seem thrilled that Stupid, Stupid, Stupid will have someone to walk with. Which means the only one left to figure out is Eleazar. But the reason he doesn't have anyone to walk with is that walking with the best-man comes with the added joy of being Renée's maid-of-honor. And no one wants to tackle that particular basket of weasels.

Alice had already offered it to me and I'd politely taken a hard pass. I mean, I _had_ considered it, briefly, until I remembered that at her bachelorette party when she was marrying Phil, she handed me a fake ID with a picture of a thirty-year-old obese woman named Martha Hinklebomb and then told me I was being a 'bad daughter' when I refused to break the law by ordering myself a drink with it. So no, I do not wish to be her maid-of-madness.

And sure, you could say, "Bella, this is your mother and she's marrying her vampire mate which means this is the last wedding she'll ever have. Don't you want to be the one making sure her special day goes off without a hitch?"

But, if you said that, you would be Alice and I would be saying to you what I said to her. "I thought they were trying _to_ get hitched?" and then you would roll your eyes at my lame-ass dad joke.

Anyway, I guess the point I'm trying to make here is that I have my reasons for not wanting to subject myself to my mother's bullshit. I know my limits. And so, because I turned down the job, Alice is going to have all the women who don't already have a place in the wedding party draw straws to see who "gets the distinct honor of the position", which Alice is currently explaining.

Wisely, Alice is making it seem as though all the ladies are eagerly vying for the position and this is the fairest way to choose someone. That way, my mom knows how we're choosing the maid-of-honor but she thinks it's a good thing.

"So when will we be doing the draw?" Carmen asks. "Do we have time to hunt first?"

"Yes, actually, I was thinking of waiting until the Irish coven arrives in case Siobhan and Maggie want the opportunity to be included," Alice suggests.

"Perfect! I could use a juicy deer after that stifling plane ride. Would anyone like to join me?" Carmen offers.

"Actually, I haven't fed my _other_ appetite in a while, so I was thinking of checking my dating app to see if I have any matches in the area," Kate smirks.

The family already explained to me that the succubi sisters have a strange and rare type of variant in their vampire DNA that means they need not only human (or animal) _blood_ to survive but also human _semen_ (and thankfully they don't substitute _that_ part of their diet with animals!)

"Oooh, yep, me too!" Irina grins. "Tanya, think you can pry yourself away from Edward long enough to join us?"

Tanya rolls her eyes. "You know I'm coming with you, so I assume that was rhetorical."

Kate is already on her phone checking for matches as the girls get ready to head out. "Oh! I have a match but it's coming from the Rez. How does that work with the treaty? I'd probably need to meet him in town, right?" she asks, directing her question at Carlisle.

"That might be best, yes. The tribe has been lenient regarding the treaty recently, but we don't want to overuse that privilege," he concurs.

"Cool. I'll message him and ask if he has a way to get into town," she nods.

"Hey, my best match is coming from there too!" Irina giggles. "Maybe they know each other and can carpool!"

"Don't suggest that it's tacky!" Tanya snickers. "But it looks like mine is coming from the Rez too. Apparently, there are a lot of horny boys over there, I guess."

I'm tempted to caution them against getting their freak on with any of the hot-blooded Quileute boys after my experience with Jake, but honestly, my misery in regard to the TFI could desperately use some company.

"Well, make it quick, ladies, there is much to be done," Alice cautions.

"Yes, Sarge." Kate salutes.

Carmen looks around. "So, did we decide if anyone is coming with me?"

Eleazar glances my way and winks before answering her. "I would, Hermana, but I heard a rumor that I might have an opportunity to hunt with Señorita Isabella."

Normally, I would nip that 'Isabella' shit in the bud before anyone starts getting the idea that it's acceptable to call me that, but damnnn, with that sexy-ass accent, he can call me whatever he wants to.

"I'll come with you, Carmen," Jasper offers, shooting me a look.

"Thank you, Jasper. I appreciate the company." She smiles. He offers her his arm and they speed off in search of both dinner _and_ Ooopie Ooopie.

Not a moment after they depart, I find Eleazar standing at my side, offering me his arm. "Yes, please," I respond, trying not to drool as I link arms with him.

We head to the woods and run pretty far before we find anything decent to eat. I guess the increased vampire presence in the area is driving the animals farther out.

"So, Bella, tell me a bit about yourself?" Eleazar prompts as we run.

"Okay, well, I used to be a shy, self-conscious teenager who went with the flow. But then I spent three days in hellfire and it pretty much burned all the 'prey' traits out of me and made me a predator. So now, I'm figuring out who vampire Bella is because she's definitely different than human Bella, that's for sure." I smirk. "How about you?"

"I was born in Spain, in the eighteenth century. Shortly after I was turned I was recruited by the Volturi. I stayed with them until after I met Carmen. We became very good friends as well as lovers but she did not like the violent ways of Volterra and so I asked their permission to leave the Guard, not wanting to lose her companionship. After some time living on our own, we found Tanya and her sisters and converted to their vegetarian lifestyle. It suited us well and they were very entertaining to have around, so we stayed with them," he summarizes.

"Oh wow. That's quite a history," I observe.

"Indeed," he agrees. "I've been fortunate to live a very interesting life."

We take a break from making small talk as we scent a pair of elk. Instinctively, he proceeds to stalk the male while I get ready to pounce on the female. Until I realize she's pregnant!

 _Damn it!_

"Ugh, fine, I'll eat you later!" I huff, growling at the dumb deer who takes of running.

Having been prepared to feed, I'm now starving and there is nothing else in the area. I signal to Eleazar that I'm going to keep moving. I go several miles farther in the direction we were running until I find a young cougar. He was probably tracking the scent of the elk. Tough luck for him!

"Hey, Buddy! I'm gonna eatcha!" I grin as I chase him and pounce.

I land much better than I did in the beginning of this story and I quickly kill and drain him.

Then, a few moments later, I hear footsteps. Expecting it to be Eleazar, I turn around. Instead, I'm face to face with a wolf I recognize a little _too_ intimately for my tastes.

 _Jacob_

He phases into human form and thankfully puts shorts on right away.

"Bella? What are you doing here? Did you know you crossed the treaty line?" He frowns.

I facepalm. "Shit! Sorry, Jake. We were hunting a good bit south of here, but the deer I found was pregnant, so I had to find something else and I guess I was so hungry I didn't notice the scents in this area."

The wolves are usually pretty good about running the perimeters of their territory often enough to leave their scents behind so that we always know where the treaty line is.

"It's okay, Bells. But you might want to head back soon. I'm showing a new wolf the ropes today and she's kind of a bitch." He snickers, having a good laugh at his own joke.

I shake my head. He might _look_ like a twenty-five-year-old man now, but Jake is still a pup at heart.

"Cool, yeah, thanks for the heads up. We'll be careful." I nod.

"We? Who are you hunting with?" Jake says, looking around and not seeing anyone.

"Eleazar Denali. One of the friends from Alaska we told Sam about. They arrived this evening. We had to separate when my deer turned out to be a dud. I should go find him before he wanders across the treaty line. Bye, Jake!" I wave, ready to take off running.

"Bells? Before you go...are we okay?" he pouts looking concerned.

"Yeah, Jake. I know it wasn't your fault. It was upsetting, but I promise, we're good. I just need to suck it up and stop dwelling on it, that's all," I assure him.

"Thanks, Bells." He beams, looking relieved. "You better go though, I think I hear her."

I nod and make a beeline back toward where I left Eleazar. I'm super confused by what I see though. He has field dressed the deer and it looks like he is dividing the meat to pack out. Which is a process I recognize from the few times I went hunting with my dad in our human years.

"Uhhh, hi, Eleazar? What's this for?" I ask him.

"For the pregnant human back at the house, of course. And I thought whatever Jessica doesn't eat, we could send over to your wolf friends." He shrugs, finishing his task.

"Oh! That's a great idea, and so much less wasteful! Do you do this often?" I assess.

"Yes, back home we usually leave the less desirable parts of the carcass behind for the local predators to find and pack out the premium cuts to donate to a local soup kitchen," he explains.

"Geez, that's awesome." I have to wonder why the fuck _we_ haven't been doing that. "Does Carlisle know?"

"Probably not. We've only started doing this in recent years, since the last time they visited us."

"Well, we should tell him. I think it's an amazing idea," I compliment.

And before he can respond, I start kissing him so that he knows just how awesome I think he is.

 _Oh, holy Hannah!_ (Again, I really don't know if she's all that holy, I've never met her) But frick, this guy is smouldering!

I guess that whole steamy Latin lover thing isn't just a stereotype, at least if your Latin lover is a vampire with centuries of experience anyway since I can't speak for the human variety in that regard.

Soon, our clothing is lying scattered on the forest floor and this man (whom I very much which was my mate but sadly, he is not) is balls deep in my happy love tunnel and lemme tell you, his hips don't lie.

After a multitude of orgasms, we lay there basking in the afterglow. I feel like I should be out of breath, but thanks to not having to breathe, I'm fine.

"Now I am hungry again." Eleazar laughs.

"Yeah, we were probably at this for a while, hey?" I chuckle.

"Indeed. But it was a wonderful way to pass the time." He beams, kissing me one last time.

It is at that exact moment that I hear a ruckus in the trees behind us. Two wolves come crashing through the forest, brawling like a couple of rabid dogs. One is clearly Jacob. The other is probably the she-wolf he was talking about.

She seems like she's about to attack us and Jake is trying to stop her, but then, something happens as Eleazar stands facing her in a defensive position. She stops dead in her tracks and whimpers, then abruptly fazes back to her human form. A form I vaguely recognize.

"Leah Clearwater?" I ask.

"What the fuck? You told them _my name_?!" She snarls quietly at Jake as he phases back.

"No, dipshit, this is _Bella_. You know her." Jake chortles and rolls his eyes. "Also, Sam is gonna lose his shit when he realizes you just Imprinted on a vampire, Lee Lee."

"Shut it, Jake." She growls casting him a warning glare.

"Imprint? Isn't that the thing you said wolves do that is like mating?" I confirm, confused.

"Yeah, she just imprinted on your friend here, I saw it happen through our wolfy mind link. And she's also freaking right the fuck out right now because she can smell you all over him. I'm pretty sure the only reason she hasn't gone for your throat over it is that she doesn't know if that would upset him." Jake cautions me.

I put my hands in the air and take several steps away from Eleazar, which I learned to do during the whole Ang/Alistair debacle. Not sure how I keep doing this. I guess the powers that be just think it's hilarious. Which, not gonna lie, it kinda is.

"I'm not a threat to you, Leah. I'm simply trying to find my mate. Now that I know Eleazar is not 'the one' and that he belongs to you, I have no desire to interfere with that," I vow.

"You're Bella? As in Charlie's daughter? I remember you being a lot more petite." She frowns.

I try not to laugh. "I'm pretty sure the last time you saw me, I was like twelve, so yeah I probably was."

"No. That's not what I mean. I saw you in town after you moved here. I mean that you didn't have curves then. You seem to have blossomed a lot," she clarifies.

"Oh! Yeah, that was one of the perks of vampirism. Enhanced T&A," I acknowledge.

"You know, Leah, becoming a wolf did the same things to you. You look like a woman now instead of a little boy." Jake teases her.

Eleazar walks over to Leah, shooting him a glare.

"So, am I to infer that you are my mate?" He confirms holding his hands out for her to take.

"Apparently. Though, I'm not sure how to feel about that. You _are_ a vampire after all. Vampires and wolves are sworn enemies." She frowns but takes his hands anyway.

"Perhaps we can change that, Mi Vida." He smiles radiantly.

"Yeah, I think we're gonna have to. I don't really think it would be fair to you to have a mate with a burning hatred of vampires. And I'm incapable of intentionally hurting my imprint, so I guess I have to find a way to change," she admits.

"I will help you, Mi Querida," Eleazar whispers, pulling her into his arms. The moment is so intimate I feel like I should be looking away. But fuck it, I'm just as nosy as the next person.

Leah kisses him softly on the lips and then nuzzles his neck. "Can you also help me learn Spanish? Because that shit is sexy af."

"Of course," he assures her. Then, casting an apologetic glance at me, he asks, "Bella, would you mind taking the meat back to the house for me, please? I think I may be a while here."

"Yeah, no problem." I grin, picking up the pack full of meat.

"I'll walk you back," Jake offers.

"Thanks, Man." I nod and get dressed, since, other than Jake's shorts that he put on again, everyone is just standing around naked.

We say goodbye for now to the lovebirds and head back in the direction Eleazar and I arrived from.

"Shit, what a crazy day, right?" Jake says, shaking his head in disbelief.

"Yeah. I guess that answers the question of whether or not a vampire and a wolf can be mates," I muse.

My phone beeps so I check it and find a text from Jasper.

 _Just got called back to the house. I guess all three succubi sisters just had TFIs and are freaking out. O.o_

"What the…?" I trail off, triple checking that I am reading it right. And then I remember! "Oh shit, the boys from the Rez they were going to meet! I didn't think it would actually happen!"

I take Jake's hand and drag him at a run back toward the house.

"Didn't think _what_ would happen? Why are we running?" he worries.

"Remember what happened to you and I when Smurfette came out to play? Well, apparently it happened again. Needless to say, you have three new wolves now and I have three newly traumatized cousins from Alaska!" I wince, remembering my own shock and distress when Jake phased.

"What?! What the fuck? How did _that_ happen?!" He exclaims, his brow furrowing.

"Dating app," I grumble. Apparently, my dad was right, technology _is_ destroying the world. One traumatic hook-up at a time.

"Ugh, well lemme phase, I can run faster and find out what happened from the new wolves' minds," he offers.

"Good idea," I agree as he phases on the fly.

When he phases back just before we arrive at the house, he stops me, just long enough to explain.

"Okay, so, this is fucked up. It was my two best friends, Quil and Embry. And Leah's little brother, Seth. Man, I _told_ them using that dating app and lying about their age would backfire! And not only that, they imprinted. All three of them. I don't know how that's even _possible_. We always thought it was rare for a wolf to find their imprint." Jake sighs, running his hands through his hair.

"That _is_ crazy. It's almost as though our lives are being guided by someone with a pen and a lame-ass sense of humor who has nothing better to do than create drama for us." Ahem. Ahem.

"Yeah, exactly. Oh well, I guess we'd better go help Jasper calm everybody down," Jake concludes and we head inside.

I just hope when _I_ find _my_ mate, there isn't this much drama!

I mean hey, a girl can dream, right?

* * *

 **AN: I'm baaaaack! ;-***


	12. Irish Invasion

**Chapter Twelve: Irish Invasion**

Jake and I walk into the living room. We spot the wolves first. They're pretty hard to miss because they are still in their wolf form. Thankfully though, it doesn't seem like the Denali girls had it as rough as I did with the TFI because all three of them are fully clothed, sitting calmly beside their respective wolves, due to Jasper's influence.

"Okay, so, who is whom?" I ask, looking around at the wolves.

"The chocolate-colored one is Quil," Jake says, gesturing to the wolf sitting with Tanya.

"Yes, and the sand-colored one is Leah's brother, Seth." Stupid, Stupid, Stupid adds, having obviously read their minds. "Irina texted Leah from his phone so she and Eleazar are heading back now."

Jacob shoots Stupid, Stupid, Stupid a glance which I'm pretty sure is supposed to be a 'don't interrupt me when I'm talking' look, but it comes across a little come-hithery, which is hilarious. "As I was _saying_ , the pale grey one with the black spots is my friend Embry," he says softly.

"Okay, so it's Kate and Embry, Seth and Irina, Quil and Tanya?" I confirm, gesturing to each couple in turn.

"Sure, sure." Jake nods, just as Leah and Eleazar walk in.

"Why haven't they changed back yet?" Leah asks, her arms folded across her chest. Alice brings her a dress since she's just wearing Eleazar's shirt. "Thanks." She nods to Alice.

"They haven't figured out how to change back yet. When this happened to me, I was too traumatized to change back on my own. Sam had to use an Alpha command to get me to do it," Jake explains.

"Well then, somebody get him over here," she demands.

"Leah, Sam is away for the weekend visiting his elderly grandmother. We have to just wait until they change back on their own," Jake reminds her.

"Well shit, that could be _days_! It was like three days for Sam when he first phased, right? Can't _you_ just give them an Alpha command? You were supposed to be Alpha anyway, weren't you?" Leah huffs.

"Do you know what kind of power it would take to overcome Sam as their Alpha when he isn't even here in-person to challenge?" Jake scoffs shaking his head.

"Oh that's right, I forgot you're a chicken shit who can't even persuade his own impri...nevermind, _I'll_ challenge Sam." She growls.

Jake looks like he wants to backhand her and even the mind-reader looks offended by whatever she was thinking. I make a mental note to ask Jake what she was on about later. She almost made it sound like he knows who his imprint is.

Leah takes off the dress Alice gave her and quickly phases (thankfully, this is a large room, since it now has four wolves in it).

Stupid, Stupid, Stupid comes over and stands beside Jacob. "Do you want me to give everyone the play by play of this, or will that piss you off?" He asks quietly.

"This is probably the one time your mind-reading thing can do more good than harm, so go ahead." Jake nods with a slight smirk.

"Alright, so Leah is telling Sam through the mind-link that she refuses to submit to his leadership and is breaking off to start her own pack," Stupid, Stupid, Stupid begins. (I'm just going to start calling him Edward again because he hasn't been acting too stupid lately and it's much shorter anyway.)

"Is it working?" Jake whispers, probably not wanting to distract Leah while she is focusing.

"It seems to be. Sam seems angry but he's asking who she plans on taking." Edward states quietly.

Leah walks over to Seth and looks him in the eyes. "Now she is asking her brother if he is willing to submit to her leadership. And reminding him that she would have more of a personal interest in protecting his vampire mate than Sam would because her mate is a vampire too." Edward whispers looking pointedly at Jake.

And it must be working because Seth walks over to stand by Leah as a sign of solidarity and both Embry and Quil follow suit. Then Jake rolls his eyes, takes his shorts off, phases, and goes to stand with them as well.

Edward smiles radiantly and then tells the room that Sam is acquiescing to their defection as long as they don't try to poach any of his other wolves and that all new wolves are automatically part of the Uley pack unless they have vampire mates.

"Leah is agreeing to his terms and thanking him for being reasonable about this. Now I can't hear Sam's mind anymore. She's Alpha ordering everyone to change back now," Edward summarises as all the wolves resume their human form. He picks up Jacob's shorts from the floor and hands them to him.

"Thank you, Leah!" Tanya beams, happily hugging Quil in human form. The others seem just as excited.

"Thanks for translating," Jake tells Edward.

"It's the least I could do. I know, I've been awful." Edward admits.

"Yeah, you have, but I sorta understand. At least, I'm trying to. We should probably have an actual conversation at some point, if that's okay," Jake reasons.

"Yes, I think it's probably time we discuss some things." Edward nods slowly.

 _Am I the only one who's super lost here?_

"Great, so now that all of that is resolved, Liam and Maggie should be arriving soon," Alice claps excitedly jumping up and down.

"Isn't Siobhan with them?" Carlisle asks.

"No, she found her mate on their way here. Liam is sad, but he won't be for long!" Alice grins.

"What do you know that you aren't saying, Ally?" Jasper asks with a raised eyebrow.

"If I told, it would ruin the surprise." Alice scolds.

"Ooh! Is it a surprise for _me_?" I ask hopefully. Liam seems pretty cute from the pictures I've seen. Maybe he's my mate!

"Not this time, and you might want to refrain from sampling. If you like your head, at least." Alice giggles.

I look around the room. The only non-mated females at this point are Carmen and Rose. I bet you can all guess which of the two would be more likely to remove my head if I were to boink with their mate.

Evidently, Emmett arrives at the same conclusion I did. He squishes Rose up in a big hug. "I'm not ready to lose you," he pouts.

I don't think Rose realizes right away what he means so I decide to helpfully contribute. "Emmett, stop squishing her hair. She's gonna want it to look nice," I chastise.

"Wait...are you saying…? Damn it, Bella! _Why_ did I give Emmett to _you_ yesterday?" She cries, hugging him tighter. "I'm not ready to lose you either, Em."

"Alice, how long until they get here?" I inquire.

"There are still about three hours," she informs us.

"That's plenty of time, Rose. Take him to the forest. You two deserve to have a proper goodbye," I suggest.

Rose and Emmett have been companions and lovers since the 1930s. That is a long relationship to have it just end abruptly.

"I dunno if that's really fair to Liam, though, is it? He just lost his companion too and he probably didn't get a chance to say goodbye," Em hedges.

"Well actually, Siobhan wasn't Liam's _only_ companion. Maggie was intimate with them also. So the two of them likely comforted each other when Siobhan left," Carlisle clarifies.

Alice stomps her foot dramatically "Argh! This whole conversation is driving me crazy! At this point, I seriously doubt it will change the future if I tell you, so I'm just going to set this all straight, so you can both stop worrying, okay? Here goes!

"For one thing, you are missing half the picture. Rose isn't the only one whose mate is about to arrive. _Maggie_...is for _Emmett_. But you two don't really need to worry about saying goodbye to each other. They aren't going to want to quit one another cold-turkey any more than you two do. Especially so soon after losing Siobhan.

"Besides, Liam and Maggie are both _very_ open-minded and have been living as a thruple since 1847. I seriously doubt they'd choose total exclusivity given the circumstances. So you can just wait until they get here and talk to them about it," Alice reveals.

"Wait, so.. _.I_ have a mate? Maggie is _my_ mate?" Em beams excitedly. "And we're gonna be a weird fourple or quadrupple or whatever that would be called?"

"You could just say quad, Em." I laugh. "And I don't think it's weird, I think it's cool. This way you get to have your cake and eat it too."

"But what about you, Bellybear?" Em pouts realizing what I already have, that even if he and Rose don't need to call it quits, he and I probably will.

"Don't worry, Em, I'll be around to keep her company," Jasper offers, wrapping his arms around me from behind.

 _Yeah, until your mate magically materializes like everyone else's._ I think to myself.

Jasper, sensing my emotions, sends me a cocktail of love and reassurance and whispers in my ear. "I ain't going anywhere, Darlin'. Your mate is gonna have to pry you out of my cold dead arms."

I giggle. "Your arms are already cold and dead, Jazz. So are mine. Because we're vampires."

"Yeah, I know. That's why it's funny." He chuckles, snuzzling my neck.

"So...no more waterfall?" Em confirms.

I shrug. "Probably not, unfortunately. I have a feeling you'll be heading off to Ireland after the wedding, Mr. McCarty."

"Oh shit, yeah probably. That part is actually kinda cool! I was Irish in my human life. Come to think of it, so was Rosie," Em recalls.

"Well, I'd say that works out pretty well then." I smile gently.

Emmett and I haven't really been lovers long enough for me to be heartbroken about it. I'm mostly just choked about not having him around at all anymore. But maybe they'll visit. And vampires are immortal with perfect recall so even if we only see each other once a decade or so, it won't feel like that long. At least, that's my hope anyway.

* * *

Three hours later, A gorgeous red-haired girl and the man I recognise as being Liam from his pictures arrive at the door and Carlisle lets them in, giving them each a hug.

"Liam, Maggie, I am so grateful you could be here," he greets.

"So are we, Carlisle." Liam nods. "I take it your clairvoyant sidhe told you about Siobhan?"

"Yes, I was very sorry to hear that she is no longer with you. I hope wherever she is she will be happy." Carlisle tells them diplomatically.

"Thank you, Carlisle. There is more though. Something you are not telling us?" Maggie frowns. Her power, I am told, is the ability to tell whether people are being honest or lying or keeping secrets.

"Yes, there is. I think, rather than tell you, I should just show you. Let me introduce you to my family. I know you have met Edward and Esme, but the last time we saw each other was in 1931, I believe. So you have yet to meet Rosalie," I say, as she steps forward into the entryway.

Liam clutches his heart as if he is having a heart attack. "Mo chuid den tsaol!" he exclaims in Gaelic.

I look at Jasper to see if he knows what Liam said. He shrugs. "I only know Spanish and German."

Esme whispers, "He basically said 'my share in life' or 'my everything'. He's acknowledging her as his mate."

I thank her for translating. Before Maggie has a chance to be sad, Carlisle beckons Em forward. "And this is Emmett."

"Hi, Princess." Em grins like a little boy who won a lottery.

Her eyes light up with recognition. "You are the one I spoke to on the phone last week! You told me I had a voice like a Disney princess." She laughs.

"You do. It's _very_ sexy." He winks.

Oh good! Someone other than me is talking about sexy Disney princesses for a change!

"Thank you." She smiles. Emmett holds his arms out and she jumps up into them. He embraces her and they run out the door and into the forest.

Liam holds his hand out to Rosalie. He seems to instinctively know to take things slowly with her. She takes his hand and he asks her where she would like to go to talk. She takes him out to a spot in the yard where there is one of those porch swings.

It's far enough away that if they speak softly, no one will hear them. But if they were to raise their voices, everyone could hear, which makes it a safe space for Rose to feel comfortable with him. Liam might be her mate but he is also still a stranger to her. And given her past, it wouldn't surprise me if it took some time for her to fully warm up to him.

Emmett, on the other hand, is probably already balls deep in Maggie, if the enthusiasm they tore out of here with is any indicator. Oh well, good for him. I'm sure if it was _my_ mate who'd just arrived, I'd be doing the same thing. Although, I'm kind of glad it _wasn't_ my mate who just arrived because I think it would suck to have to quit Em _and_ Jasper at the same time.

In fact, there are some days I actually find myself hoping that neither Jasper or I _ever_ find our mates. I mean, sure, it'd be perfect if we could be like Em and Rose and find mates who don't mind sharing. But honestly, what are the odds of that?

"Jasper, have you seen Edward?" Esme whispers. "I'm sure Rose is fine and I trust Liam, but I was hoping you two could keep tabs on her thoughts and emotions just in case."

"I'd be happy to monitor things, no problem. But as for Edward, he left with the Denalis and the wolves when they went back to the Rez about an hour ago. I think they're letting the elders know about the division of the packs and the new wolves and imprints," Jasper informs us.

"Huh, why did Edward go with them? Did they need a mind-reader?" I ponder.

"Nah, I'd say, based on his emotions there was definitely more to it than that, but it's not really my place to speculate," he muses.

"You're being pretty cryptic," I observe.

Jasper shrugs. "Let's just say the magnets that repel the strongest are the ones that attract the strongest as well."

"Okay Confucious, whatever you say," I tease him. "Let's go for a hunt." I'm kinda feeling shook between the whole losing Em thing and being in a room full of wolves so soon after the TFI. Hopefully, Jasper can nurse me back to mental health.

"Yes, Ma'am." Jasper nods and we head to the forest.

I really hope when I do find my mate, he will be somebody who is a lot like Jasper.

* * *

 **AN: Curious to know who picked up on the foreshadowing in this one. I think I was being super obvi about one pair and hopefully more subtle about another. Hit me with all that lovely feedback and let me know! ;-***


	13. Prancing Peacocks!

**Chapter Thirteen: Prancing Peacocks**

"So, you're not gonna tell me what the deal is with Edward and why you were being so evasive?" I ask Jasper when we finish making love on the forest floor.

"I mean, I can, if you're dying of curiosity. I certainly didn't want to out them in front of the entire family, but I think it's alright if I tell _you_ , as long as you keep it to yourself for now," he qualifies.

"Okay, no problem. I won't say anything," I vow with my hand to my heart.

"Alright. Now, I could be wrong because sometimes emotions can be tricky, but I'm about ninety-five percent certain that Edward and Jacob are mates." Jasper states.

 _Hold the fucking presses…_

 _What?!_

"Umm, I don't...but why would...wouldn't they just tell us?" I frown.

I take a moment to think back on their interactions. The conversation they were having amongst themselves…the weird one that made no sense? Well, it would make a lot more sense in _that_ context. Especially if they've been refusing to deal with it.

And I can understand how they might have a hard time with the concept. I mean, even if you put the interspecies issues aside, Jake has people reading his mind whenever he's in wolf form. I'm sure the last thing he'd want in a mate or Imprint or whatever would be someone who can read his mind when he's in human form.

Plus, Edward is super old-fashioned so he probably hasn't come to terms with his sexuality, in general, so the fact that Jacob is male is probably really freaking him out.

"Okay, yeah, I guess I can see it." I sigh, realizing Jasper is probably right. "But, how can we help them?"

Jasper smiles and kisses me softly. "I love that you want to, Darlin', but I think they have to come to terms with it on their own. It's a big deal for them, but it's _their_ deal and I doubt they'd want anyone interfering."

"Yeah, I suppose. It just sucks. I can't imagine having your mate right there in front of you and not being able to reach out and kiss them or hold them or tell them you love them." I shudder.

"I know. But they _will_ figure it out eventually, I have faith. And we can be here for them if they decide to confide in us. In the meantime, we just need to wish the best for them and try not to draw attention to the situation," he advises.

"Yeah, you're right. Thank you for telling me, Jasper. I feel a lot better knowing what's going on." I smile, straddling him, hoping for another round.

"No worries, Bella. Now let's make the most of _our_ time together since we don't know what tomorrow will bring," he suggests.

"Good idea. Although I _do_ know what tomorrow will bring. I'm being forced to attend Renée's lame-ass bridal shower." I groan as I begin using Jasper's body to take my mind off of everything else.

"Oh. Well, hopefully, it goes well." Jasper smiles, placing his hands on my hips as we move in tandem.

"Me too. I wonder if anyone has bothered to tell Leah that as Eleazar's mate she gets to be Renée's maid-of-honor." I grin.

"Yikes. Does she even know Renée?" He asks.

"I mean, I guess it would be more accurate to say that Renée knows her. My mom used to babysit for Harry and Sue as well as for Billy and Sarah when I was a baby. There's a picture of Leah playing with Jake's sisters while they try to bury me in a mountain of stuffed animals." I snicker.

"I'd love to see your baby pictures," Jasper teases.

"No, you wouldn't. It's not a pretty sight."

"Well, maybe not as pretty as the sight before me _now_ , but I'm fairly certain you have always been beautiful," he praises.

"You'd be wrong. I used to have a forehead that was waaay too big for my face and I was completely bald. And my mom used to dress me in these weird sack things that made it look like I had no legs," I grumble.

"Yes, but I'm sure you were the most beautiful, bald, legless, forehead monster in all the lands." He smirks. I smack him playfully.

"Shut up and kiss me, before I get _really_ grumpy."

"Yes, Ma'am."

* * *

We eventually decide to head back to the house a few hours later. And when we do, Billy is here. Presumably, he came back with the wolves to hang out with Charlie.

"Hey, Billy." I smile. "How's it going?"

"Pretty awesome, Bella, thank you for asking." Billy grins just as Carmen comes in from the kitchen with a plate of food for him. She sets it down on the table in front of him. Then she sits down beside him and kisses him!

Uhh, huh? Okay, I wasn't expecting _that_.

"Lemme guess...mates?" I confirm, gesturing between them.

"Yes. Carlisle is in his medical laboratory testing Billy's blood to see if the Quileute gene is dormant enough for Billy to be able to undergo transformation," Carmen tells us, sounding concerned. Jasper sends her some calm and she visibly relaxes, mouthing a thank you.

I look around the room for Jacob, curious to know how he feels about his dad becoming a vampire but I don't see him.

"Where are Jake and Edward?" I ask the room in general.

"Having sex in the forest." Billy laughs, shaking his head. "I never would have guessed it, but hey, I can't say much. It isn't as though I never experimented." He smirks, and I could be wrong but I'm pretty sure he sneaks a glance at my dad, which...um yeah, don't even get me started on _that_ awkwardness.

I'm pleased that Jake and Eddy Boy are working it out though. I almost say as much, but considering I wasn't even supposed to know, I keep my mouth shut.

"Are Em and Rose and their mates out hunting? We didn't see Rose and Liam on our way in," I confirm.

"Emmett and Maggie haven't been back yet so I assume they're tearing up the forest somewhere, yes. But Rose and Liam are upstairs consummating their bond. As soon as she found out Siobhan's history, she felt much more comfortable with Liam." Esme explains.

"What _is_ Siobhan's history?" I ask.

"She was raped by her sire, a vampire named Sancar and changed to be part of his harem. He kept her against her will for most of her newborn year before she killed him and his lieutenants. She didn't meet Liam until 140 years later. But vampires have perfect recall, so even then she was still somewhat skittish of male vampires. He helped her through her recovery," Esme elaborates.

"Oh wow. Liam sounds like a cool guy. I'm glad Rose found someone like that." I smile.

"Yes, so am I," Esme nods. "Now all we need is to find mates for the two of you and everyone will have their happily ever after."

"Well, I wouldn't count on that happening too soon. At least, not in this chapter. This is the chapter leading up to Renée and Carlisle's wedding. I don't think there will be any more big surprises for now," I speculate.

"Oh yes, speaking of the wedding, Bella, would you like to help me decorate the house for the bridal shower? I was thinking we could do it tonight so that there isn't as much to be done in the morning," Esme requests.

"Sure, yeah, I can help with that." I nod and hug Jasper goodbye for now.

"Thank you so much. It's mostly just folding the origami peace cranes, photocopying Alice's worksheets for the various party games, blowing up balloons, and hanging streamers," she says, going over the tasks that need to be done.

"Perfect. I can start with the cranes."

"Thank you, Bella. There is some square paper on the coffee table. I'm going to take Phil out to hunt while I have time to do so," Esme says, leaving her tasks list in my capable hands.

Oh well, I'd rather help Esme with the shower than have to help Alice and Renée with the actual wedding prep, which is what Leah, Ang, and Jess are currently doing. _That_ does _not_ sound like my idea of fun.

"No, they have to be _teal_ , Sir! You cannot send me _turquoise_ vases as a replacement. If you do not have the teal ones in stock, I will be forced to order them from somewhere else!" I hear Alice huff from her room, clearly arguing with some poor soul over the telephone. "No, I will not _settle for aquamarine_!"

 _Yikes._ Glad I dodged _that_ bullet!

* * *

Speaking of dodging bullets, I am going to be so very nice to you right now, Dear Reader. I am going to spare you from having to sit through the boring bullshit that is Renée's bridal shower.

Which means you get a time skip!

All you need to know is, we played games and everyone gave Renée a bunch of awesome presents. She got everything from an eBook reader and an iPad to a bunch of magazine subscriptions and several book-of-the-month subscriptions, since vampires tend to have a ton of free time on their hands. She also received copious amounts of bath products, which, not gonna lie, I plan on stealing some of.

Anyway, after that, everyone who wasn't directly helping with wedding prep used the time leading up to the wedding to get to know their new mates and new coven mates. All of the covens have been totally changed around because of all the newly mated pairs.

Garrett and Alistair still consider themselves nomads and therefore have not officially joined a coven. Since Jasper and I don't know yet who our mates are, and our former coven basically broke up like a 90s boy band, we're sort of just floating amidst the various groups for now, so I guess we're basically nomads too.

The new Denali coven consists of Eleazar and Leah, Carmen and Billy, Edward and Jacob, Kate and Embry, Tanya and Quil, and Irina and Seth. Speaking of Carmen and Billy, they found out from Carlisle the day after the bridal shower that it was safe for her to change him. So, Carmen bit Billy.

When he woke up three days later, we didn't really know what to expect, except for the fact that he wasn't wheelchair-dependent anymore. Carlisle had explained ahead of time that his diabetes and all the complications of it would be gone.

But as far as what else vampirism might do for him, well, we all had a feeling that the tribal magic might give him some kickass vampire gift. In fact, Eleazar was pretty sure of it. What we _didn't_ fathom was that vampirism would trigger Billy's dormant wolf gene, making him essentially the only vampire-wolf hybrid in the world.

He has all the basic abilities and all the physical traits of a vampire. But he can phase and in his wolf form, he can connect to the pack mind-link just the same as the other wolves.

And, after he first phased, he also Imprinted on Carmen, which confirmed that vampire mating and Imprinting are essentially the same thing.

Speaking of vampire mates and Imprints, Jake and Edward have been figuring things out. They've got the passion part nailed down pretty well. They still argue about practically everything, it just tends to end in make-up sex which is really the only difference.

The new Irish coven, which consists of Rose and Liam, and Emmett and Maggie, have been doing pretty well too. And Alice was right, they did turn into a big ol' foursome. So we haven't really seen that much of them, they've mostly been off scronking in the forest.

The new Cullen coven is probably the weirdest group though because it consists of Carlisle and Renée, Phil and Esme, and Charlie and Alice. My mother has slept with _all three_ of those men, Esme has slept with two of them, and Alice has _only_ slept with Charlie. I keep trying to suggest they should even that out (because we all know that's what I would want to do in their shoes), but Alice says no because then she'd have to sleep with Carlisle.

I tried to tell her he comes highly recommended, but Carlisle was like a dad to her for several decades so I'm pretty sure that's a hard pass.

Renée seems to be getting the best deal out of that group though because Phil and Charlie keep giving Carlisle pointers on what to do and what not do to keep her happy.

Which is good for everyone, actually, because it means she hasn't turned into a total bridezilla. At least not yet anyway. Give her time, it's bound to happen. But now the wedding is in three days, so all the craziness and hoopla will be over with soon.

Which brings me to the particular bit of craziness and hoopla we are preparing for tonight. The bachelorette party and simultaneous bachelor party! I had no idea vampires can even get crunk, but I guess, if it's straight spirits, our venom can absorb it the same as a human's bloodstream does.

Which means I am gonna get turnt tonight!

Jess is pissy that she can't drink, being pregnant, so she's staying home. Esme, bless her heart, volunteered to stay home with her, since someone has to. And the rest of us ladies are going to go watch some boys take their clothes off in Seattle! Wait, that came across a little creepy sounding...

Strippers. We're going to see strippers. We'll be leaving our binoculars at home.

I imagine the guys will be doing something similar but it's not like they broadcast their plans to us, so for all I know, they could be going to a Chuck E. Cheese. I mean, it certainly wouldn't be the first bachelor party ever to be held there.

"Does my hair look okay?" Renée asks me as we all finish getting ready.

"Not at all. Maybe let Alice do it," I recommend.

"I know I raised you to be honest, but you could _at least_ try to sugarcoat it _a little_ , Honey," she scolds.

"Fine, Mom. Let me amend that. As a newborn, I myself, know I need to improve in my manual dexterity before I attempt to use any complex tools, such as a hair curler. The same seems like it might be true for you as well. Is that diplomatic enough?" I rephrase.

"Yes, Bella, that was much more tactful, thank you." She nods and heads off to track down Alice.

* * *

"Okay, Ladies, let's get this show on the road!" Alice instructs, once Renée's hair is done and everyone else is ready. We all pile into two vehicles and head to the city.

When we arrive at the club, it is an unmarked brick building. The parking is around the back. A small sign on the door proclaims that the club is called The Peacock Parlor Lounge.

Alice knocks three times and then scratches her nails along the door. It seems like some kind of code to gain admittance.

"Alice, is this place even _legal_?" Rose asks.

"Sort of but sort of not. It's a speak-easy. This one flies under the radar of local law enforcement because it's run by the wife of a councilman," Alice explains.

"Sounds shady, where did you hear about this place?" I ask, wondering if my dad, the cop, knows where his mate is bringing us.

"From Charlie, of course. He suggested it because Maggie's physical age is fifteen and they won't check our IDs too closely here. Don't get me wrong, our paperwork is flawless. But even with flawless paperwork, Maggie doesn't look anywhere near twenty-one. Neither do Irina and I, for that matter. You and Ang and Rose could probably pass, but I'm fairly certain a legit club would take one look at the rest of us and send us home," Alice observes.

"Oh. Yeah, I guess you have a point. I never thought of that. For some reason, I guess I just figured the regular rules don't apply to vampires." I shrug.

The doorman opens the little screen to see who is at the door and when he sees a bunch of smokin' hot vamps, he looks like he's about to pass out from over-excitement. He opens the door quickly, as if he's worried we'll all vanish before his eyes.

"Come in, come in, ladies. Welcome to The Peacock. Coat check and washrooms are around the corner to the right. Tonight is Ladies Night, so we will have a great group of male entertainers taking the stage at eight o'clock. Cocktails and shots are half-price for ladies tonight and we are omitting our usual cover charge," he explains.

"Thank you, Gregory." Alice smiles, reading his nametag and slipping him a cool hundy with a wink.

He nods and thanks her emphatically, then heads back to watch the door.

"This place is swank. It has a sort of New York City feel to it," Rose comments as we head to the coat check and then get settled into a couple of booths in the back of the club.

"I like that the tables are small and round so there is _lots_ of legroom." Renée compliments, probably thinking of the time we were in a restaurant in New Mexico having brunch during a road trip when I was eleven. She was wearing cowboy boots and brought her heel down to rest on the table leg but it turned out to be my foot instead. Did I mention I was wearing flip flops? Because, summertime. In New Mexico.

"Yeah, probably a good thing." I snicker.

Soon the waiter comes by and we order a round of shots for each table. Alice insisted the bridal party all sit together, so in addition to Renée, my table consists of Leah, Angela, and Rose who is still going to be walking with Emmett at the wedding because her dress was already ordered before we knew that Maggie was Em's mate.

So Maggie and Alice are at the other table with Carmen, Tanya, Kate, and Irina.

When the waiter brings our shots, he also informs us that they are about to start a trivia competition in case we want to play. Immediately a huge cheer goes up from the other table and I have the distinct feeling we are about to have our asses handed to us at trivia. The waiter goes away and comes back with microphones for both tables.

I raise my eyebrow at Rose. "Older vampires are _very_ good at trivia." She shrugs by way of explanation.

"Well, so are we! Right, Bella?" Renée beams, hoping to bolster our confidence.

Considering that the majority of this table are people who weren't born until the 1980s, and we have one less person than the other table anyway because Jess stayed home, I have my doubts. But, not wanting to crush her spirits, I nod. "Sure, let's do this."

"Great! Now we need a team name!" Renée cheers.

"How about The She-Wolf Pack?" Leah grins.

Rose scowls. "I wouldn't say _that_ is an accurate representation of the _whole_ table, would you?"

"Sure it is. Haven't you seen Fuller House? None of them are shapeshifters. I meant it in like an empowered woman kinda way, not in the supernatural way. It's ironic." She shrugs.

"Oh. Okay, well, in that case, yeah it works," Rose concedes with a sheepish smile.

"Perfect!" Renée beams.

It's also hilarious because the other table actually has four wolf Imprints at it whereas we just have one she-wolf but we stole it so ha! Now they can't use it.

"Ooh! I think we should be The Glampires!" I hear Alice state with a giggle over at the other table.

"Kinda tacky but not terrible." Tanya laughs. "Let's use it."

"Yay!" Alice claps.

The waiter comes back after a few minutes to ask us our team names and collect our next round of drink orders. We decide to order bottle service so that the waiter doesn't have to keep checking in on us as often.

Soon the trivia competition gets underway and we find out there will be three other teams playing besides The Glampires and The She-Wolf Pack. The Rockettes, The Pistachio Lovers, and Margarita Madness.

Each team gets to choose a category from the available options and all five teams will have to answer questions from all five categories.

Our table decides to choose one of the few topics we actually have a shot in. Movies From the 80s. The Glampires select Music From the 60s for their category which Renée seems happy about. The Rockettes choose a category called New York, New York. The Pistachio Lovers choose Comfort Foods for their category. And Margarita Madness selects Mad About México.

"We might actually have a shot at this!" My mom stage whispers. And honestly, I have to agree. Renée basically raised me on 60s music and 80s movies. Rose is originally from New York. Leah, Ang, and I, as teenage girls, will probably kick ass at comfort foods, even if two of us can't eat them anymore. And Renée and I lived in Arizona long enough that we learned a fair bit about Mexican culture. So yeah, I'd say we lucked out as far as categories go.

The announcer for the game gets things started as soon as the categories are selected.

"For our first round of questions, each team will choose the category they want to answer from first. Then the second round will be their second choice and so on until they have answered one question from each category. The team with the most correct answers by the end wins. If there is a tie, there will be a tie-breaker round.

"Now, the order of the teams is chosen at random. So, our first question will go out to Margarita Madness," The man announces. Of course, they choose Mad About México and he asks them what Frida Kahlo's full name was. They correctly answer Magdalena Carmen Frida Kahlo y Calderón and he gives them a point on the scoreboard.

Next, he asks The Pistachio Lovers a question about Ben & Jerry's ice cream, at which point I tune out until our turn.

"In this dark comedy from 1988, three of the main characters bear the same first name."

Renée squeals and loudly answers, "The Heathers!" into the microphone and they give us a point.

For the next round, the questions get a bit harder. We choose Music From the 60s and the announcer asks us to name five British Invasion bands besides The Beatles and The Rolling Stones. All I can think of are The Troggs and Renée gets stumped after two, so Rose takes the mic and rattles off the five most popular ones so as not to be too conspicuous.

Next, The Rockettes get stumped on a question about The Breakfast Club, and The Glampires correctly answer a New York, New York question about Carnegie Hall.

After the first four rounds, we have a perfect score of four points but so do The Glampires and Margarita Madness. The Pistachio Lovers topped out at two points and The Rockettes only got one, so they have both been eliminated.

"And now, this round will determine whether or not we have to go into a tie-breaker round. Margarita Madness, what 1980s movie begins with the line: 'The key to faking out the parents is the clammy hands. It's a good non-specific symptom; I'm a big believer in it.'?" he asks.

"Oh! Umm, is it The Parent Trap?" A drunk girl with pink hair answers as her friend facepalms.

"No, I'm sorry, the correct answer is Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Which brings us to The Glampires. Everyone loves pizza as comfort food, but what type of fish is both a traditional pizza topping and an ingredient in the dressing of the accompanying Caesar salad?"

"Shit!" Tanya whispers.

"Does anyone know anything about modern cuisine?" Irina asks hopefully.

"Not _Italian_ cuisine, no," Carmen sighs. "We should have brought Esme."

"Alice?" Kate asks hopefully.

"I can't say since I've seen the answer, it would be cheating," Alice says apologetically.

"Well, we have to guess _something_. Here, pass me the mic," Maggie mumbles. "Is it Tuna?"

I am careful not to laugh because that would be rude. Renée, however, does snicker. "Seriously? _Tuna_?" She mouths. I shrug and signal her to keep her mouth shut.

"No, I am sorry, Glampires, Tuna is incorrect. The answer was anchovies. Looks like it all comes down to how The She-Wolf Pack does on this last question. Okay She-Wolves, name me a southern side dish and a southern beverage that both tend to spark huge debates around whether or not they should be served _sweet_."

"I know this!" I grin, feeling very grateful that I've been spending so much time with Jasper and Emmett who both count among their few remaining human memories their Southern Mamas' home cooking. I take the mic and proudly proclaim, "Is it Iced Tea and Cornbread?"

"That is correct, She-Wolves! You win with a total of five points! Don't forget to stop by the coat check and pick up your prize on your way out tonight. You've won a spa day for six, congratulations! And now, we'll be taking an hour break before our main Ladies Night attractions take the stage. Thank you to everyone for playing!"

"Oh my goodness, that works out perfectly! We can all get spa treatments the day before the wedding!" Renée beams. "And it's for six, so we can bring Jessica too."

"Yeah, that _did_ work out perfectly, I'd say." I chuckle, knowing it was probably part of a certain little Pixie's master plan for the evening.

"I know what you're thinking, Bella, but I'm innocent. I planned a lot of things but I didn't plan this," Alice assures.

"Sure, sure, if you say so." I nod, pouring shots for our table. "Let's go dance until the show starts!" I suggest.

We all down our shots and head onto the dance floor. We try to seem like drunk humans. Some of the girls mess their hair up a bit and some act a little clumsy. With such a big group of us, we have to be careful not to draw attention. Which also means no busting out any amazing, eye-catching dance moves.

It turns out it's even more fun pretending to still be an uncoordinated human dancing than it would be to just dance. The hour goes by all too quickly and then the announcer comes back on to advise everyone to take seats around the stage if they want to see the floor show. Alice tells us to snag the good seats, front and center.

I want to protest that it's super conspicuous and probably not a good idea but she winks at me and shrugs, her eyes full of mischief. So I sit down and shut up, knowing better than to bet against Alice.

"We have a real treat for all you ladies tonight! These dancers might be 'amateurs' but they sure know how to shake their groove thangs. Ladies, Gentleman, however you identify, I am pleased to introduce our first act...Doctor Love!" The announcer proclaims.

The cliche song 'I'm Too Sexy' by Right Said Fred comes on and a _very_ familiar stud in blue doctor's scrubs and a white lab coat with red long-stemmed roses in the pockets comes out strutting his stuff across the stage. He dances right up to Renée with a rose in his mouth, breaks the flower off and places it in her hair. Most of our group, as well as all the humans, start squealing.

He takes his lab coat off with a flourish and tosses the rest of the roses to the humans in the back of the crowd who madly scramble to catch them.

Next, he takes his scrub shirt off and throws it. The succubi pretend to fight over it and Tanya 'wins' although it's clearly just for show, since I see her tuck it into Renée's purse after.

Doctor Love dances around some more and then rips off his scrub pants leaving only a pair blue mesh briefs, a stethoscope hanging from his neck, and an adorable smirk. The women all go crazy for him, both the human crowd _and_ the vampires who scream just as loudly and throw money at him. He dances some more, even throwing in a few pelvic thrusts for good measure.

"Thank you, Doctor Love, that was fantastic! Next up, we have Señor Matador!" The announcer states. Carmen laughs and rolls her eyes.

"Something tells me that is going to be Eleazar," she tells Leah, whose eyes bug out of her head.

"Are they _all_ planning on taking the stage, Alice?" I chuckle.

"Yep, every last one of them! Which reminds me, we need to take a video for Jess when Garrett goes on," Alice informs us.

"This is so awesome!" I grin.

 _Jasper better be a fuckin' cowboy though, or I'm gonna lose my shit._

* * *

 **AN: Do we want to see the rest of our boys shake their groove thangs or should I skip ahead to the wedding? Either way, this story has either one or two more chapters and then we're done for now :) Not sure yet if it will have a sequel because I'll be asking _you_ that at the conclusion!**


	14. Did Someone Say Orgy?

**Chapter Fourteen: Did Someone Say Orgy?**

Eleazar takes the stage, assuming the character of Señor Matador, the Spanish Bullfighter. His costume is authentic and ornate.

The song, however, is cheesy af. He comes out dancing to Ricky Martin's 'Shake Your Bon Bon' and every time the lyrics say bon bon, he thrusts his hips. By the end of it, Leah is laughing hysterically but is also clearly very turned on. In fact, most of the women in the club are equal parts amused and horny so I'd say he did a good job.

Next, Alistair assumes the stage dressed as a pirate! Ang just about loses her mind! She starts screaming excitedly like a pre-teen at a boy band concert. (Hey, that's my second boy band reference in a few days so maybe I'm done dwelling on Disney Princesses! A girl can only hope.) Anyway, I've never seen her react this way about _anything._

And yeah, maybe part of it is that I'm fairly certain this is Angela's first time being intoxicated, but I also think she is genuinely ecstatic about her pirate matey. And yes, I did just make that lame-ass joke.

Garrett comes out next, dressed as a rockstar, and Alice starts filming it for Jess. The song is 'Pour Some Sugar On Me' by Def Leppard. He gets really raunchy with it, drawing extra attention to all the innuendos in the song with his actions. Again, all the women are screaming. I'm starting to think that's just a thing that tends to happen at Ladies Night.

Towards the end of Garrett's song, Jake materializes behind me. "Hey Bells! Having fun yet?" He asks with a lazy grin.

"Hey! How'd you escape all this? Aren't they making you dance?" I ask him.

"Sure, sure, I'm up a bit later in the rotation. I just snuck out here because Edward's turn is next and I wanted a front-row seat for that particular show." He smirks.

"Oh! Well, by all means, take my seat," I offer standing up to let him sit. "No offense but I'm not nearly as keen on seeing Eddy Boy strip as you probably are, so I'm gonna take the opportunity to go touch up my make-up." I wink.

"Cool, thanks, Bells! And hey, I'm sorry my Imprint is also your ex. I'm sure that's gotta be super awkward for you." He winces, probably realizing as much for the first time.

"You mean that the guy I used to naively think was my soulmate being mated to my childhood best friend…whom I also had my most traumatic sexual experience with...might be awkward? Gee, I don't see it, Jake." I snicker as Edward takes the stage.

"Okay, fair point." Jake laughs as his attention shifts to the stage where Edward, dressed like a lawyer in a tailored suit with a briefcase saunters onstage to the tune of 'The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia' by Reba McEntire. Not sure how he plans on making a song about someone wrongfully executed for murder sexy, but at least I don't have to stick around to see it.

Surprisingly when I get back from the Ladies' room at the end of his song, there is just as much hooting and hollering as there has been for the other guys, so I guess Jacob isn't the only one who oddly finds Edward sexy. There really is no accounting for taste. Jake heads backstage again happy as a clam after Eddy Boy's performance so at least the two of them are happy together, which is cool.

The boys all seem to be going on stage in the same order as they'll be in the wedding party, and since the groomsmen are organized by how long Carlisle has known them, that means Emmett is up next.

He walks out dressed as Elvis and, of course, the song is 'Teddy Bear' and Maggie, along with every woman here, seem very enthused at the idea of putting a chain around his neck and leading him anywhere, as the song suggests. I know I would certainly love to do just that, but sadly it isn't in the cards anymore.

Oh well, we'll always have plenty of fond memories of the waterfall.

When I hear the next song start, I laugh, knowing it's going to be Jasper. He picked a super cliché one, but dang if the outfit doesn't make up for it and then some. Well worn, black snakeskin cowboy boots, faded black Wranglers, a big ol' shiny belt buckle, one of those black shirts with the snaps and the embellishments on the pockets, a bolo tie, and the whole look is topped off with a black Stetson and one of those black duster jackets.

Lemme tell you, boyfriend be lookin' like my favorite kind of outlaw. In fact, I'm pretty sure this version of Jasper crawled straight outta my wet dreams. Mmmn mmn mmn mmn mmmn!

I've always thought of 'Pony' by Ginuwine as being an over-the-top tacky song for a stripper to dance to because it is literally exactly what you would _expect_ a stripper to dance to. But tonight I am learning there is exactly one person, or vampire, in the world who can pull it off and still be taken seriously.

Jasper motherfuckin' Whitlock.

After Jasper (the last of the groomsmen) and his disturbingly flawless dance moves succeed in drenching _everyone's_ panties, poor Liam has to follow that. He comes out dressed like a Scottish warrior, but then the song is 'Donald, Where's Your Troosers?' It's mostly just hilarious with a tiny hint of sexy, but still, he pulls it off, and Rose seems amused so that's the main thing.

Next, my dad comes out dressed in a navy blue cop costume which is thankfully much different than his actual police uniform because I'm pretty sure he could get in trouble for stripping in his real uniform. The song is 'Bad Boys' from the TV show 'Cops' which is a hilarious choice and watching Charlie try to flub his way through stripper moves seems like it will be pretty entertaining, so I decide to stick around.

I realize pretty quickly, however, that my dad actually _can_ dance, and it soon goes from funny to disturbing as all the ladies freak out over him and his 1970s pornstar mustache. I decide to stare down at my hands until the dance is over. It's not that I am embarrassed by him, the dance is actually really good. It's just awkward because if he were literally _anybody_ else, I'd be right there with the rest of them, throwing dollar bills at the stage.

And of course, Renée makes it even worse by stating loudly "My goodness, I had forgotten how _virile_ he is!" And then proceeds to whisper something to Alice about how impressive it is that such a small girl as she is can handle such a big package, which, I may have to burn my ears off now, so, _thanks for that, Mom_.

After that, Phil comes out dressed as a generic baseball player to the tune of Take Me Out to the Ball Game. Not a very sexy song choice but the dance moves help a little and Alice records the whole thing for Esme anyway.

Billy comes out in a motorcycle getup and dances to 'Bad to the Bone'. I find his dance moves a little on the dorky side but Carmen seems to thoroughly enjoy it. Edward comes out to watch Jake dance next and Carmen offers him her seat. Since Jake is basically her step-son now, she decides to sit this one out.

Jake dances to who let the dogs out, dressed as a television werewolf, because he is a gloriously funny individual when he wants to be. Edward looks about ready to cum in his pants, so it seems to be working. Again, the screaming ladies all agree.

Seth comes out next, much to Leah's chagrin and she grumbles about how he's too young to be taking his clothes off for a bunch of middle-aged women. She refuses to look but doesn't leave, so when he gets to the point in the dance where his Spider-Man costume comes off, we let her know that he is wearing Spider-man boxer shorts underneath and is really no more indecent than he would be in his regular shorts. She seems relieved.

Quil is next, wearing a firefighter uniform. His song is 'Hot in Herre' by Nelly and it's so cliché that I'm really glad they didn't make him go last. Tanya loves it though, so, good for Quil.

Embry is up last but not least in a very well done Na'vi costume like in the movie Avatar. His song choice makes it even more perfect when he starts dancing to 'Blue' by Eiffel 65! And then all the rest of the guys come out also dressed as Na'vi and join him for a big ensemble encore! Strange, I had assumed if I ever saw Jacob in blue paint he would be dressed as Smurfette.

By the time all the applause finally dies down after the finale, the guys have already changed into jeans and black t-shirts, some of which have white letters advertising their position in the wedding party.

They join us and our whole group goes back to find seats in the area where we sat for trivia, though we take up five booths now instead of two since there are currently more guys in our group than girls.

I'm about to tell Jasper how awesome his performance was when he tells me that he missed a voicemail from his friend Peter and proceeds to check his message. I might possibly be a little guilty of eavesdropping.

 _"Howdy Major. I'm feelin' pretty fucked up right now. Char found her mate, so she just left for a giant Irish woman. And I know you got that weddin' thing yer doin', but maybe after that, I can come visit? I know I could just come up there right now but the last thing I wanna do with a broken heart is attend a fuckin' weddin' if you know what I mean. Anyway, lemme know if yer interested in some company, I could be there the day after the festivities if you want. Adios for now."_

"Shit! What the hell?!" Jasper fumes, slamming his fist down on the table.

I should say something to cheer him up, but for some reason, all I say is "Can I listen to that again?" There is something about the message that I can't quite put my finger on.

When I replay it, everyone overhears and starts talking about how Charlotte and Siobhan must be mates and there seem to be some mixed opinions about whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. But I'm distracted because I'm still trying to figure out what it is about this message I can't quite place.

I play it fourteen more times on the car ride home and twice as many the following day. Whatever it is, it's on the tip of my tongue, but soon, I have to put it out of my head because it's time for the wedding!

All the ladies are getting ready together and we spend a million years helping Alice make sure Renée looks perfect. Weirdly, Phil as her last husband, will be giving her away, so he comes in when we're just about finished.

"You look beautiful, Nae Nae. If I wasn't a mated man, I'd be tempted to steal you back from this groom of yours," he praises.

"Thank you, Phillip. I miss you too, you know." She smiles a bit wistfully.

I roll my eyes. "I know this probably isn't the time to bring it up, but you two do realize your mates were married to each other for several decades, right? You could probably have yourselves one of those fourple things if you suggested it."

"Oh! I didn't even think of that." My mom stammers, flustered. She shoots a look as Esme who is putting the finishing touches on the last of the bouquets for the bridesmaids.

Esme brings Renée's bouquet to her and sets it gently in her hands, lingering there for a moment. "That seems like something we can talk about. Perhaps _after_ your honeymoon." She smiles softly. "For now, let's not keep your groom waiting."

Alice is supposed to get everyone organized and ready to walk, but she slips into a vision, so I step in to help. Once everyone starts moving, I ask her if everything is okay.

"Everything is awesome, Bella. Everything is going to be _very_ amazing indeed."

* * *

Thankfully, Billy, as a tribal elder, is licensed to perform weddings. Not that a wedding between two people who are technically dead such as Carlisle and Renée is actually truly legal anyway. But it's definitely nice to have someone officiating who has performed weddings before and yet is not human. Because I'm pretty sure a _human_ officiant would just piss themselves in a room with this many supernatural creatures.

"You may now kiss the bride!" Billy announces (Because yet again, I spared you from the boring parts, Dear Reader, you are so very welcome!)

A whoop and holler go up from the assembled vamps and wolves as Carlisle tips Renée back in one of those smouldering, cinematic style kisses we all love so much.

The wedding party all link up in pairs and walk two-by-two back down the aisle. It's really fun having Jasper on my arm in his fancy tux. It makes me feel like a legit princess.

And yet, I can't help this nagging feeling that everything is about to change. Ah well, maybe I've just been spending too much time around the clairvoyant pixie lately.

We head out to Esme's rose garden to do pictures while those who are not in the wedding party finish setting up for the reception.

Once the official photos are done, everyone starts heading back inside just as Alistair comes out. "Bella, can I talk to you for a minute? I have a question about Angela."

"Sure, let's go for a walk." I nod.

We head into the woods until we are just out of earshot of the house.

"As I am sure you know, when I was human, things were much different. People did not date or 'hook-up' as they do now. They courted and then they married. And so, my natural impulse is to ask Angela to marry me. But she is a modern girl and I do not know how to broach the subject or even if I should. What would you suggest?" He asks.

I smile ear to ear. "We talked once, about marriage. I said I had seen it fail far too easily for me to trust the institution of it, and she told me about her parents who have been happily married since they were high school sweethearts. She told me she wants that. A fairytale wedding with a happily ever after.

"So, I'd say you two are perfectly matched in that regard. I think you should go for it. Make the proposal really special, but not really public. Angela is kind of shy and somewhat easily embarrassed, so maybe make it something memorable and significant for the two of you, but private. Does that help?" I ask as we hear a rustle in the forest.

"Yes, it does. Thank you, Bella. Who is there? One of Sam's wolves?" Alistair calls into the trees.

"Wolves? Surely I hope you don't mean _werewolves_? I'm fairly certain Master Caius exterminated _those_ many moons ago." A voice answers back as the person walks out into the open. It's a young, attractive, blonde girl wearing the Volturi Guard cloak uniform which I recognize from Carlisle's painting.

 _Shiiit_.

"He did. I was referring to the local shapeshifters. They take the form of a wolf but they are human," Alistair clarifies.

"Alistair," I chastise. "Didn't your mother ever teach you not to talk to strangers lurking in the woods? She could be a predator." I smirk, looking the girl dead in the eyes.

"My apologies. Where are my manners. My name is Jane. And you are…?"

"That depends on what you're here for, Jane, and whether you are friend or foe." I grin.

"Friend. Decidedly." She states in a saccharin sweet voice that seems a little too fake for my liking.

"Then my name is Bella. So, Jane...what brings you over the seas to Washington?" I inquire, still leary.

"We were dealing with a group of newborns causing trouble in Seattle. I was asked to drop in on our old friend, Carlisle Cullen, while we were posted in the area. Little did I know he was getting _married_ today. The Masters will be sore at not having been invited," she warns.

"It was a small affair. Mostly veggie vamps. We tried to keep the number of human-drinkers we invited to a minimum. The shapeshifters aren't overfond of pretty red eyes such as yours," I explain.

"And just how many vampires _were_ invited? I am a little curious to know what size of party you have assembled here, given how many scents I detected in the area. And both of you have amber eyes, not golden. Which tells me you are either newborns or recent converts. And since we were sent to investigate newborns in the area...it seems like an uncanny coincidence, don't you think?" Jane grins like a Cheshire cat.

I shrug. "We were just in Seattle a few days ago for the bachelorette party. But we didn't encounter any newborns. Not sure what to tell you."

"Isn't one of Carlisle's coven mates a former soldier of the Southern Wars? Perhaps he has decided to create a newborn army in the north and bring it south? Or perhaps he is planning to implement similar turf wars in the north?" She challenges.

 _Oh no, you don't. Nice fucking try, Beeyatch._

"Alistair, will you please be a doll and inform Jasper that Jane is here and would like to ask him a few questions? And please, also discreetly let Alice know that we have an extra wedding guest. No sense disturbing the bride and groom for this." I request without taking my eyes off of Jane.

"Alright, but just for the record, if any trouble arises I want no part in it. Angela and I will be leaving right after the wedding either way," he states, putting his hands up and backing slowly away from the little bitchpire.

"Pussy." I roll my eyes once he is out of earshot.

"Actually, _his_ reaction is pretty standard of most vampires when they meet me for the first time. Evidently, whoever sired _you_ must have neglected to teach you to properly fear the Volturi." She smirks. "I assure you, we _are_ to be feared. One telephone call and I could have the entire Guard here, lickety-split. And if, for any reason, I do not return from my mission here...we have a tracker who will come with the full might and muster of our forces, to retrieve me."

"I could just be a little dense but it certainly _sounds_ like you are threatening me," I smirk, taking my earrings off, in case this comes to a smackdown.

"Actually, I am merely advising you to tread lightly here. As a courtesy. If I had been threatening you, I would have done _this_ ," she says and glares at me looking like a grumpy toddler with her face all scrunched up and her brow furrowed.

" _Noooooooooo!_ " I hear, as Jasper thunders in. And in a flash, Jane is on the ground whimpering like a dying kitten.

"What the heck are you doing to her?" I wonder.

"She was tryin' to use her power on you! I felt it through my gift so I turned it back on her. You didn't feel that _at all?_ Damn. Looks like Eleazar was right about your shield." Jasper grins proudly.

"Okay, well, I think she's had enough. Be a gentleman and help her up." I frown.

"I was gettin' to it." Jasper laughs. He reaches out to help her to a standing position but when they make contact, everything changes.

" _Oh shit. What the fuck have I done_?!" He cries and before I can even blink, they are both naked and he has her in his lap scenting her.

"Wait, is Jane…? Holy fuck, Jasper, did you _attack your own mate for me_?!" I gasp, dropping to the ground beside them.

"I didn't _know_! I just saw her trying to hurt you and I've had that fuckin' power used on me once before and I know that shit _hurts_!" he explains.

"Wait...you two have _met before_?" I question.

"Sort of," they both say in unison. Jane smiles up at him, seeming to have calmed down from being bathed in his scent and enveloped in his arms.

"The Volturi came south once to deal with Maria's shit when she was gettin' outta hand. I was in the middle of destroying an unruly newborn when I got hit with a blast of psychic pain but I had my back to the source. I crumpled up in a ball and stayed there until they left. It was only as they were leaving that I saw the back of her walking away. My chest hurt but I assumed it was a lingering effect of the attack. It never really went away though. Until now."

"Huh. Did _you_ know?" I ask Jane.

"No, I had heard that Major Whitlock was an Empath, so I just assumed the pain was a residual effect of his power. It never occurred to me it could be anything else," Jane insists.

"So it was just a coincidence you were asking questions about him?" I confirm, still a tiny bit worried.

"No, that was just me doing my job. He gained quite a reputation for himself down south and when the brothers initially heard that he had come north and taken up with Carlisle's coven, they were...concerned. And now, these newborns in Seattle? It would have been remiss of me if I _didn't_ ask." She shrugs apologetically.

"There are _newborns_ in _Seattle_? We were just there. We didn't find anything to indicate other vampires in the area. Then again, we travelled by vehicle and only went into one nightclub, so I guess we wouldn't have had an opportunity to really scent anything," Jasper ponders.

"So...it _wasn't_ you?" She asks, seeming surprised.

"No. I've had my fill of newborn armies. We do have a ridiculous amount of newborns here currently, but that is due to an influx of people finding their mates as humans. Carlisle, Esme, Alice, Garrett, Alistair, and Carmen have all had to change their human mates within the last several months. The rest of the Cullens and Denalis all found their mates recently as well, but the others were either vampires already, or else they are shapeshifters.

"I'm not sure why everyone keeps finding their mates at once. I'd almost say it seems like a vampire gift, but Eleazar hasn't discovered anything like that so I don't know," Jasper ponders.

"Well...if Bella had that ability...because she is a shield, she might be immune to Eleazar's power," Jane shrugs.

"It wouldn't be the first time a vampire had more than one ability. Of course, Aro usually orders such vampires to be destroyed, so that does present a problem. I'm assuming, based on your former reaction to me using my power on her that she is someone you care very deeply for?" Jane confirms.

"Yeah, I, uh...we've been companions for a while now," he winces, waiting for the inevitable freak-out or reaction of jealousy.

"I understand. I have one of those too. I'd say who, but people usually tend to get...judgy about it." She shrugs.

Jasper raises an eyebrow. "Interesting. I'd heard a rumor to that effect, but I don't usually put much stock in the rumor mill."

"Does it bother you?" She frowns, looking surprisingly vulnerable.

"Not really. I've done a lot of worse things than that in my life," he admits.

"I'm confused…" I puzzle, fairly certain I missed some huge revelation here.

"It's Alec," she whispers.

 _Alec? Where do I know that name?_

Oh, snap! That's her twin, isn't it? That's funny. I remember when Jacob's twin sisters french kissed each other once when they were kids and they got in sooooo much trouble for it.

"Okay but vampires don't breed so I'm not sure why the sibling factor is a big deal. Our species is furthered through our venom, not by combining genetic material," I reason.

"True. But all vampires are former humans so we tend to carry a lot of the same taboos," Jane qualifies.

"Well, I say, you do you, Boo." I shrug. "Provided Jasper doesn't care, I mean."

"I don't. I'm not gonna be the jealous asshole who breaks up a twelve-hundred-year-old, fully consensual, relationship 'cause he can't deal," he gently assures her.

Jane exhales and the tension visibly melts off of her. Her shoulders relax and she looks less like a death machine and more like a teenage girl.

"You're really pretty when you're not all stressed out," I compliment.

"You're really pretty too." Jane winks.

"Jasper, you should probably kiss your mate before _I_ try to," I joke.

"With pleasure, although I would have liked to see that," He grins, capturing her mouth in a slow, extremely passionate kiss that lasts for a _very_ long time. I probably shouldn't watch but I find it very captivating.

"Dang, that's sexy," I watch in awe.

"Well shit, if I'd known there was gonna be an orgy, I would have gotten here sooner," A cocky voice proclaims from the woods just as the sun comes up over the horizon. Apparently, we missed the entire reception.

I spin to face the source of the voice. A voice so familiar, it speaks to a deeper part of me. The face is also exceedingly familiar, even though I have never seen it before, the eyes spark something. I step closer.

 _No fucking way!_

"Well, it sure as hell took you long enough." I chuckle.

"I know. If I'd known _you_ were here, I would have come a lot sooner. As much as I love _this_ fucker, I don't like lettin' him have _all_ the fun." He smirks.

"You've gotta be shittin' me. All this time, it's been _you_ she was waiting for?" Jasper bursts out laughing. "Well, that makes a lotta fuckin' sense actually."

"Isn't that…?" Jane asks Jasper.

"Yep. My beloved second-in-command and brother. Peter motherfuckin' Whitlock," Jasper proudly proclaims.

I take this familiar stranger by the hands and unlike all the other hands I've held since becoming a vampire, these ones _do_ hold the telltale spark. And my chest feels a whole lot lighter.

"So, I'm _pretty_ sure here...but there's this thing I usually do when I'm trying to figure out if someone might be my mate and I kinda wanna try it if you'll humor me?" I grin hugely, wagging my eyebrows at him.

"You only _kinda_ wanna try it?" He growls playfully scooping me up in his arms. "I was expecting a little more enthusiasm than that," he teases.

"Shut up and kiss me, Smartass."

"Yes, Ma'am." He nods, taking off his cowboy hat and resting it on my head.

As he puts it on me, I notice the inside of the hat says 'Property of Peter M. F. Whitlock, which is perfect because I certainly am.

* * *

 **AN: Ta da!**

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